A Wondrous Place?
by Seraphyne
Summary: Ever wonder what a witch or wizard would do when faced with magical scenarios that Walt Disney created for Muggles? Well here's a glimpse into MY Wonderful World of Wierd, featureing Hermione Granger. COMPLETED
1. Part One

Title : A Wondrous Place?  
  
Author : Seraphyne  
  
Date : May 03, 2004  
  
Disclaimer : I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters nor the people who play the Harry Potter characters in the movies, though if I did, Hermione would probably never see Ronald Weasley, Harry Potter, or Oliver Wood again. I do not own the story, 'Alice In Wonderland' either, but if Walt Disney, or whoever actually wrote the story had let me collaborate with them, it would probably be rated NC17(With an Alice dressed more like Britney Spears in her 'Hit Me One More Time' video, lots more pot, and a shit load of sexual innuendoes) joking.  
  
Author Note : I decided to write a Wonderful World of Weird actually using a Wonderful World of Disney story for two reasons: One, being the incredibly hilarious story of the 'Rocky Hogwarts Picture Show' (brilliant, and I haven't even seen the movie, but I want to.). Two being that I am currently fixing to graduate from Wallace State Community College in Hanceville, Alabama (May 13, 2004) and my theater class just performed 'Alice In Wonderland.' No I wasn't Alice and I didn't want to be, I wanted the role of the Queen, but I received the mouse part that Colin Creevey plays, not to mention I was the card part that Cho Chang plays. I had an awesome time doing the show and I thought I would convey my feelings and thoughts through this Fanfic. I hope you enjoy it and please review, since I base whether I am any good at writing on the reader's thoughts.  
  
Part One  
  
"Imagine. Without the White Rabbit, yes. We could skip that part. The Mock Turtle, you bet. Cut that scene. But no Alice? Impossible." 'Ronald Weasley, you better not be in the girls dorms. You'll get kicked out of school if you get caught.'  
  
"Why didn't you agree to be Alice?"  
  
'Is that you Professor Sprout?'  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because why?"  
  
'Stop arguing Ron. Go away.'  
  
"Same reason as you. I like my own part." 'Professor Sprout? Why do you want Ron's part?'  
  
"Well it's not 'The Mad Hatter in Wonderland' or 'The Queen of Hearts in Wonderland.' It's 'Alice in Wonderland."  
  
'Ron I'm trying to sleep, shut up!'  
  
"Now, now, now. We've got a little stumbling block, true, but we've been in worse pickles."  
  
'Fred Weasley, I don't want a pickle!'  
  
"Name one."  
  
'George Weasley? Name a pickle? What?'  
  
"Well, let's see."  
  
'See what, Fred?'  
  
"You can't do 'Alice in Wonderland' without an Alice. So let's give up."  
  
'Yes, Goerge, give up and shut up!'  
  
"Perhaps someone's reconsidered. That's a possibility. Let's count off again."  
  
'Count off, Fred?'  
  
"We've counted off and counted off and counted off and we're still in the same pickle."  
  
'I DON'T WANT A PICKLE!'  
  
"Actually were in a theatre."  
  
'Neville Longbottom, everyone. He's the only boy to think that Hogwarts is a theatre.'  
  
"We're in a pickle in a theatre and there isn't going to be a story. Face it."  
  
'Face what George?'  
  
"Now, now. Let's hear it! Count off! I'll start things. One!"  
  
"Two!"  
  
'Three'  
  
"See? We might as well pack up and go home. No Alice, and that's that."  
  
'Go home? Is it the end of term already?'  
  
"No Wonderland?"  
  
'Sirius? Have you seen Harry?'  
  
"Bother."  
  
'Bother what, Professor Lupin?'  
  
"Aren't we missing someone?"  
  
"Of course! Alice! How many times must you be told?"  
  
'Geeze, Fred and Goerge argue a lot.'  
  
"No someone else..."  
  
"Listen!"  
  
'Is this going to be on the test Professor Sprout?'  
  
"Oh, yes, there she is. And you're going to be..."  
  
"Listen. There's a girl. A girl. Just behind this thing. And she's sitting there doing nothing."  
  
'Is she bored or sleeping?'  
  
"Nothing?"  
  
"Well, daydreaming, maybe."  
  
'Ron, shut up!'  
  
"That sounds promising."  
  
"And she's young and pretty and just right for you-know-who."  
  
'Who is it Professor Sprout?'  
  
"But she's not one of us."  
  
'A Muggle?'  
  
"Well, she could be, couldn't she?"  
  
'A Muggle be a Witch?'  
  
"But she won't know what to do."  
  
'No magic.'  
  
"That's never stopped you."  
  
'George is a Muggle?'  
  
"Now, now. Mustn't bicker."  
  
"Come on see for yourself."  
  
'See what Professor Sprout?'  
  
"We could help her you know, along the way. We know what to do. Sort of."  
  
'Oliver Wood? I thought you graduated.'  
  
"She can certainly help us.  
  
"Let's give it a go! Shall we?"  
  
'Shall we?'  
  
"Well I see no reason why we can't at least look at her."  
  
"No reason at all. So let's look."  
  
'Harry Potter there you are.'  
  
"How do we get rid of this thing?"  
  
"Blow it away."  
  
'What a strange dream.' Hermione Granger thought as she opened her eyes and looked around; the last thing she remembered was heading to the library in search of a good book. How did she get here? She was surrounded by trees and shrubs and flowers; which seemed to be a forest. 'So I must be in the Forbidden Forest, but why?' She asked herself. She was sitting on the grass beside a little stream. She realized that she wasn't wearing her school uniform, but a simple blue dress with a white apron, along with white stockings and black dress shoes. 'Odd, I don't remember changing clothes.' She thought as her mouth opened and words tumbled out of their own accord.  
  
"What a lazy day. With nothing to do. Perhaps I should have followed my sister when she left. 'Come along. Back to the house and I'll fix you some tea. Don't you want some tea Alice?'" Hermione yawned as if propelled to do it and thought, 'Alice? I don't have a sister? What going on?' Then her mouth opened again. "Not yet dear sister. I'm going to stay here for a while. By the stream. In the sunshine. I'll have my tea later, thank you." The words paused and Hermione felt as if there were people around her, but she didn't see anyone. 'This is very strange. I can only think what I want to say but cannot say anything? Where is everyone?' Hermione heard a twig snap and looked around and then the words were back. "Oh, I do wish something unusual would happen. Something very unusual." Hermione puzzled over that last statement she was forced to say and then heard very familiar voices, but didn't see anyone.  
  
"Unusual!" That was Ron Weasley! Hermione knew, but where was he?  
  
"And fun..." That's...that's Professor Sprout, but the teachers are involved?  
  
"Can't wait!" Wait for what Ronald Weasley! I'm getting a little ticked off Hermione thought. She was still looking for anyone that she knew.  
  
"Ready?" That was Fred Weasley! Oh if him and George are the source of this trouble...  
  
"Ready." Professor Sprout again!  
  
"The White Rabbit hurries for fear he'll be late..."  
  
"Imagine his fate if he makes the Queen wait!" The voices of her classmates and even a few teachers were surrounding Hermione but still she didn't see anyone.  
  
"Down in the ground where the hole goes so deep..."  
  
"The tumble is liable to put you to sleep." Why are they laughing at me?  
  
"You'll fall at a speed that will make your ears sing,"  
  
"Past orange marmalade in a jar on a shelf,"  
  
"Past mirrors that smile when you smile at yourself." They're laughing again! It's like everyone has an invisible cloak except me!  
  
"Past odd little doors and a window or two,"  
  
"Perhaps you'll encounter a picture of you!"  
  
"Down deeper and deeper and deeper you'll go,"  
  
"Down deep in the rabbit hole, head over toe;"  
  
"You'll fall to a place so unusually gay,"  
  
"It's terribly likely you'll hear yourself say:"  
  
"It's bewitching, beloved, beyootiful and..."  
  
"GRAND!" That was everyone that's playing this mean trick on me!  
  
"So wondrously wonderful, your..."  
  
"WONDERLAND!"  
  
"So becoming, befuddled, beguiling and..."  
  
"GRAND!"  
  
"So wondrously wonderful, your..."  
  
"WONDERLAND!"  
  
"Alice," That was George Weasley!  
  
"Alice,"...and that's Professor Dumbledore!  
  
"ALICE!"  
  
"Now." Oh, now...Fred what's going on. Hermione was getting a little bit frustrated as finally someone she knew emerged from the forest. He was hopping around like a rabbit and Hermione would have laughed out loud if she were able. Draco Malfoy was dressed in white dress pants and a bright red dinner jacket. His face was painted white with a bunny's nose and whiskers. He also had on rabbit ears. The sight was quite funny but Hermione was compelled to stay silent and serene.  
  
"Oh my ears and whiskers, I'll be late!" Draco said pulling out a humongous pocket watch that didn't seem to work at all. Suddenly Hermione was forced to her feet and the words were back.  
  
"Sitting on a wooded bank, one can occasionally expect a white rabbit to scamper by. Curious though, when the white rabbit is wearing a waistcoat, carrying a watch and is able to speak. Late? Late for what?" Draco was indeed scampering around looking for something and Hermione was following him around.  
  
"Now where's the hole? I must find the hole! It will never do to keep the Duchess waiting." Draco said scratching his fake ears. Hermione was trying her best to voice her opinion or maybe just laugh and ridicule Draco but the invisible people were back. Or were they ever really gone?  
  
"That's my part!"  
  
"Sh!"  
  
"Oh, my dear little paws and fur, I can't find the hole! If I'm late getting home, I'll be late for the Duchess, and if I'm late for the Duchess, I'll be late for the Queen's croquet game. And if I'm late for the Queen's croquet game she'll chop off my head!"  
  
What in the world is Draco rambling off about? Duchess? Queen? Suddenly to Hermione's left a black hole formed in midair. There was a sign that hung in the air as well which read 'Rabbit Hole Enter Here.' Hermione wanted to scratch her head in confusion but wasn't able to do anything. Then there was numerous unseen people clearing their throats as if trying to get someone's attention. Draco it seems could hear them as well because he looks directly at the hole.  
  
"Bless my whiskers. Here's the hole!" Draco says and then hops like a rabbit for the hole. He stops a moment and then leaps into the black hole disappearing. Hermione knew that she would probably be propelled to follow him.  
  
"Do you think she'll follow?" That's Neville! Is he talking about me? Then the unbidden words were back.  
  
"I think I'll follow." Hermione heard herself say as she came closer to the black looming hole.  
  
"I think she'll follow." Fred chimed in.  
  
"Odd. I never noticed this rabbit hole before. Very curious. 'Rabbit Hole Enter Here.' Well... I'm not exactly a rabbit, but..." Hermione cursed the forces that were propelling her to say and do things she would never do. She walked into the hole and was surrounded by a void of blackness, but she could now see the faces of her fellow students and teachers. Just their faces; it was quite eerie.  
  
"There she goes!" The face of Professor Dumbledore said. Most of the faces were friendly but they didn't show any recognition that they knew who she was.  
  
"Down deeper and deeper and deeper she'll go." Neville's face said.  
  
"Down deep in the rabbit hole, head over toe." Now that the face of Fred Weasley mentioned it, Hermione did feel as if she was tumbling downwards in circles. She was so overcome with disorientation that she couldn't have stopped the words if she'd tried.  
  
"I must be nearly to the center of the earth." Hermione's girly voice said. She was surprised at how child-like her sixteen-year-old voice sounded.  
  
"She'll fall at a speed that will make her ears sing..." Ah, I had thought that sounded like Hagrid.  
  
"Past curious whatchamacallits and things..." There's George Weasley; well his head anyway.  
  
"I keep falling past the most curious things..." Hermione said and thought that that was an understatement. A Muggle would have screamed their head off by now.  
  
"Past orange marmalade in a jar on a shelf..." Professor Dumbledore's head said while sitting beside a jar of orange stuff on a shelf. Hermione tried to giggle but it just wouldn't come.  
  
"Past mirrors that smile when you smile at yourself." Draco Malfoy's minion Crabbe said as a mirror floated by that had someone's smile plastered on it. When Hermione looked at herself in the mirror; she noted that she had a very big white bow in her hair and that the smile on the mirror made her look goofy.  
  
"A mirror smiled back at me. Nothing curious there, but if I keep falling this way, I shall surely land on the other side of the world where people have to walk on their heads, and that will be extremely curious." Hermione said. What an idiot she would have to be to actually believe that people on the other side of the world walked on their heads.  
  
"Is she nearly there?" Fred's head asked.  
  
"Almost." Ron's head swam into view and it made Hermione a little sick to see his head unattached. What would make Ron do this to her?  
  
"I wonder what Dinah, my cat, would think of all of this. Such a fall, I dare say, would probably cause her hair to stand on end. What's the White Rabbit going to be late for? The Duchess? A croquet game?" Hermione's voice sounded very curious indeed as the whole body of Draco came bounding by.  
  
"The White Rabbit hurries for fear he'll be late. Imagine his fate if he makes the Queen wait!" Hermione shook her head in mirth and tried and tried to laugh at Draco. Suddenly a whole slew of bodiless heads came into view around her.  
  
"She's almost there. THUMP!" They all said as Hermione fell to her knees in a checkered room. The walls and the floor were covered in black and white checkers and there was a single table in the middle of the room. To the left of Hermione was a small door and right in front of her were three steps into the room, but there was no door behind her.  
  
"Didn't hurt at all. When I get home I'm going to fall down the stairs just to show how brave I am" Hermione said.  
  
"Oh?" The bodiless heads were gone again but their voices remained. Hermione walked down the stairs as she said,  
  
"Three stairs to the landing. Well I wonder where I am now. And where's the White Rabbit, I wonder..." Hermione looks around herself and notes that the very small door is the only way in or out of the queer room. The little table is empty and the voices of her classmates are back.  
  
"Wonderland..."  
  
"Wonderland..."  
  
"I wonder where this goes." Hermione said as she got down on her knees in front of the small door. Before her eyes the keyhole in the door became big enough to look through, she saw a fountain in the background with flowers all around it. "A lovely garden... with fountains! But I shall never be able to go through this little doorway. I'm much too big." Hermione says as she stands back up. She faces the lone table and notices that it's not empty anymore.  
  
"Oh, dear, what a pity I can't just shut up like a telescope. Considering what's happened so far today, I don't really think shutting up like a telescope is all that impossible." Hermione says as she notices that indeed the little table isn't empty anymore. There's a bottle of something and a sign. "'Drink Me.' Hmmm. Wonder if I should. I seem to be wondering quite a bit today. I wonder..." The voices were back again.  
  
"Wonderland..."  
  
"Wonderland..."  
  
"I wonder...Well, it isn't marked 'poison' and that's a good sign. It's a sensible rule to avoid anything marked 'poison.' Yes. Hmmm." Hermione picks up the bottle with a red liquid. If this was a potion from Professor Snape's store, it wouldn't matter if the bottle was marked 'poison' or not; you don't drink it!  
  
"Hmmm." Intoned the invisible people.  
  
"Just a little bit." Hermione pops the cork out and drinks a little of what's inside, even though her inner voice is screaming for her not to. "Mmmm. Tastes like a mixture of cherry tarts, plum pudding, and buttered biscuits." Hermione rolls her eyes and puts the cork back in place. She puts the bottle back on the table and walks over to the small door again.  
  
"Mmmm." Intones her ever present audience.  
  
"Very nice. Very nice indeed. Well here goes the telescope again. Mustn't shut up too far or it might be like a candle going out. And I don't want to go out. Then I'd never get through to that lovely garden." Hermione says as she watches the small door become gigantic, if it wasn't for the room remaining the same size she would swear that the door grew instead of her, because the now empty little table shrunk right along with her.  
  
"Gee, it looks as if I'm too small to reach the door handle." Hermione looks around and sees that the empty table now has a new sign with a cake sitting on a little plate. "'Eat Me.' Oh, I do love carrot cake." Hermione says walking over to the little table and picking the cake up. She takes a small bite and places the rest back on the plate. The cake and sign disappear from the table and Hermione walks back to the gigantic door, which seems to be getting smaller now.  
  
"Well, I never! A bit of carrot cake and I'm back to normal size, or maybe bigger." Hermione measures herself against the door and says, "Yes, bigger. Now I shall never get through to the garden. Never, never, never." Hermione, for no good and logical reason, starts crying. "First, I'm as tall as a house, and then I'm as small as a mouse. It's getting curiouser and curiouser. Indeed it is. I must stop crying though, especially since I can't remember why I started. Oh yes! The dear garden with the flowers, and fountains, I shall never see." Hermione continues crying and notices a puddle on the floor where she stands.  
  
"And where's the White Rabbit? How rude of him to vanish. He must have known I was following him. How very rude. Besides, I don't know where I am or where I'm going or how to get there!" Hermione finds that while she can't stop crying she begins to shrink again and the door becomes gigantic again. The small puddle of tears on the floor becomes a pool.  
  
"I'm...I'm...I'm shutting up again! I'm shrinking! And I didn't eat a bite or drink a drop. It must be in my system. I must run. I don't know where or why, but I must run!" Hermione, being compelled to run, runs into the pool of her own tears. What in the world? Where would any of this make since? She thought. "What's this? Why, it's salt water!" Hermione says trying to stay afloat and tasting the water. She then notices that someone else is now in the room and swimming towards her. She strains to see who has finally come to rescue her. It's Colin Creevey with a pair of mouse ears, with his nose painted black and with whiskers. Hermione tries to laugh but yet again finds it impossible.  
  
"Excuse Me." She says to Colin, who stops with a bewildered look in his eyes.  
  
"Why What did you do?" Confused Hermione says,  
  
"I didn't do anything." For once my own thoughts expressed Hermione said to herself as Colin swam past saying,  
  
"In that case I would advise you not to say 'Excuse me'" Hermione turns to Colin and exclaims.  
  
"Please don't swim away." Colin turns exasperated.  
  
"I can't swim in one place." Hermione rolls her eyes and continues with 'the words' as she likes to call them, because they sure aren't her own words.  
  
"Why, you're a mouse!" Colin looks at her as if offended and turns his head away.  
  
"No comment." Hermione looks around and notices that the checkered room as disappeared as well as the table and door. A blue sky was now in place.  
  
"Can you tell me where I am?" Colin looks at Hermione like she's insane.  
  
"You ought to know. They're your tears, not mine."  
  
"My tears? Amazing." Hermione says while thinking, as if I didn't already know that it was I who was crying earlier.  
  
"Big tears, I'd say. You must be quite blubbery."  
  
"Don't mice cry?" Hermione found herself asking, already knowing the answer. Colin Creevey looked at her yet again with a bewildered look.  
  
"Not this much. It would take me a hundred years to cry a pool this size." Hermione rolled her eyes again, as if that was possible.  
  
"I must tell Dinah?" My cat's name is Crookshanks! Not Dinah! Colin looks at Hermione a little curiously.  
  
"Who's Dinah?" Before Hermione could try and stop herself she realized that the next thing she would say would scare the crap out of the supposed mouse.  
  
"Dinah's my dear little cat." Hermione was right Colin got a very frightened look on his face and then screamed bloody-murder. He dived under the water and bounced back up gasping for breath. "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't suppose we should talk about cats." Hermione said sounding a little sorry, but laughing up-roarously in her head. Colin finally caught his breath back and shook his head.  
  
"I wasn't!" He exclaimed. He glared at Hermione as she continued to talk about the cat.  
  
"But Dinah's such a sweet pet. I'm sure you'd take a great fancy to her. She purrs and washes her face with her paws, and she's such a great one for catching...uh...oh..." Hermione trailed off as Colin's face turned stormy with hate.  
  
"SHE'S A SERPENT!!" He screamed, Hermione jumped not expecting that reaction and becoming angry.  
  
"I beg your pardon!" She says a little indignant and Colin glares at her and then acts as if nothing happened.  
  
"Pardon granted." He says a little too cheerily.  
  
"Good. Now how do we get out of here?" Hermione asks.  
  
"Try swimming to shore." Colin says knowingly. Hermione looks around and sees that there are endings to the water on her left and right.  
  
"What'll I find there?" Colin looks at her as if she's daft.  
  
"Depends on which shore you swim to." He giggles as he points first to her right and then to her left.  
  
"Well I'm looking for a white rabbit." Colin looks at Hermione a little interested.  
  
"Why?" He asks simply. Hermione wished that this would end soon, she was beginning to lose the battle to keep afloat.  
  
"I followed him and poof! He vanished." She said thinking, not to mention that it's Draco Malfoy dressed as a rabbit. Where's your camera Colin don't you want a picture of that? Meanwhile Colin looked skeptical.  
  
"A likely story." No doubt, Hermione thought.  
  
"I believe he was on his way to a croquet game." Colin looked a little bit more interested in what Hermione was saying now.  
  
"That so."  
  
"You think I should attend the croquet game, too?" Hermione asked noticing that at last she could feel the bottom of the pool and she didn't have to swim to keep afloat.  
  
"Did she invite you?" Colin asked still swimming around.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The Queen." Ahh, so there is a Queen somewhere, Hermione thought.  
  
"No, but I have a feeling that's where I'm going." Hermione said as Colin swam a circle around her.  
  
"Better see the Duchess first." So there's a Duchess in this twisted world as well. Should have known that Draco wasn't talking off of his head.  
  
"Where can I find her?" Duh, Colin, new here. Need directions.  
  
"Where she lives of course. But don't tell her I sent you, I don't want MY head chopped off." Colin said a little fearful.  
  
"Neither do I." Hermione said with her hand around her throat protectively.  
  
"Well, that's what she'll do you know." Colin said mater-of- factly.  
  
"Who? The Duchess?"  
  
"No, the Queen. She's uncommonly fond of beheading people." Ahh, that's what Draco meant about his 'fate' is he's late.  
  
"That's very...rude!" Hermione said as Colin swam back around her.  
  
"Try telling her that!"  
  
"One can't go about chopping people's heads off. It just isn't done." Hermione said as Colin swims away from her.  
  
"Just isn't done, just isn't done..." He says as he swims into the distance seeming to disappear. The water acts as if it's swimming along with him.  
  
"Wait! I've several questions I want to ask you. It's impolite to swim away when I haven't finished..."  
  
"Mary Ann! What are you doing in the tub with your clothes on?" Hermione turns around and notices that all the water is gone except a little bit which is in a bathtub, she's standing in the bathtub. Draco Malfoy has reentered as the white rabbit and calling her Mary Ann. Hermione steps out of the bathtub still completely soaked.  
  
"Mary Ann?!" Hermione asks confused.  
  
"Don't call me 'Mary Ann.' I'm not Mary Ann. You're Mary Ann." Draco says confused as well. Hermione just wanted to laugh, or take a picture.  
  
"But..."  
  
"No, 'buts' about it. Run home this instant and fetch my white gloves and a fan." Draco says cutting Hermione off.  
  
"Look, I'm rather wet..." Draco looks at Hermione's clothes and shakes his head.  
  
"If you run fast enough the wind will dry you off! Quickly! I'm late! I'll need my white gloves for the croquet game...it's one of her new rules... and a fan for the tea party, if she's in the mood. Hurry!" Draco rambles on as he hops past a bewildered Hermione. He quickly disappears behind a gigantic mushroom.  
  
"Which way?" Draco reappears on top of the mushroom.  
  
"Which way? Which way indeed! No idle questions! Off with you!" Draco pulls out the big pocket watch and looks at the hands. "Oh, my wrinkly nose and pointed ears! Look at the time." Draco shoves the watch in Hermione's face and she sees that the minutes and hours hands just keep running around and around, not keeping time at all. Draco puts the watch back into his coat pocket and turns to leave.  
  
"I'll meet you promptly." Draco disappears off of the mushroom again. "On the dot!" Hermione runs around to the other side of the mushroom and finds that there's no one there.  
  
"I'm not Mary Ann. I'm Alice, I think." NO! I'm Hermione. "And I haven't the faintest idea where home is, his home or mine. Perhaps if I run far enough, I'll find one of them, though it wouldn't surprise me very much if I didn't." Hermione pauses and takes in her surroundings. It's another forest though this one's a little weirder, instead of trees there are huge mushrooms. "It's like a game without any rules." Hermione said walking around one of the biggest mushrooms. There was a clearing here and on top of one of the smaller mushrooms was caterpillar looking thing. Hermione got closer and found that it was actually Mr. Filch with a caterpillar suit on and he was smoking a pipe that ran to a bong. Filch was smoking marijuana!  
  
"Well, hello!" Hermione said brightly. Filch looked at her and then looked in the other direction.  
  
"Hmmm."  
  
"I said hello." Hermione says a little louder. Filch turns back to her and blows a cloud of smoke in her face, Hermione coughs.  
  
"Yes, I know." Filch says slowly pronouncing every syllable like it was a different language. He's stoned, Hermione thought.  
  
"You know it is rude not to say 'Hello' in return." She informed him, which he could care less.  
  
"Whoooo are you?" Filch asked again dragging it out very slowly. Hermione rolled her eyes, he knows who I am!  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Who are you?" He asked again. Hermione shrugs.  
  
"I hardly know sir. I've changed so many times since this morning, but I do believe I'm Alice." HERMIONE!!! I'm Hermione!  
  
"Whoooo?" Filch asks confused. Hermione rolls her eyes.  
  
"Alice!"  
  
"You look like Mary Ann. Are you sure you are not Mary Ann?" Filch asks very slowly, by the time he was finished with the question Hermione was ready to take a nap.  
  
"Yes, I am." She answered. Filch looked at her skeptically.  
  
"Well, you did say that you hardly knew. So, you could be Mary Ann." Hermione shook her head.  
  
"I am quite sure that I am Alice not Mary Ann." She said adamantly. Filch shrugged his shoulders and took another puff from the pipe.  
  
"If you insist." He said nonchalantly.  
  
"I do." Hermione said.  
  
"Very well, so Mary Ann how may I help you?" Hermione almost screamed with impatience.  
  
"Alice!" Filch looked insulted.  
  
"I'm not Alice!"  
  
"No, I'm Alice...oh never mind." Hermione said exasperated.  
  
"Very well." Filch says and turns away from her.  
  
"Please sir, I do need your help, you see..."  
  
"I do not see. Exactly what is your problem?" Filch says angrily as he turns back to Hermione.  
  
"The White Rabbit has sent me to find his gloves and fan, but I do not know where to find his house and really I had rather find my house." Hermione says a little bored with the force of 'the words.' Why can't I say and do what I want to?  
  
"Do you think you will find his gloves and fan there?" Filch asks helpfully.  
  
"No, I just want to go home. This is such a curious place. Will you help me please." How true most of that was; Hermione thought, as Filch became quiet for a moment.  
  
"If you go in one direction," Filch said pointing to the left. "You will find his house and is you go in another direction," Filch said pointing to the right but then swinging his arm back to the left. "You will not find his house. So now run in place to that direction." Filch said pointing to the left. Hermione turned to the left to see what is there and notices that the mushroom forest is gone. She turns back around to Filch and he has disappeared as well.  
  
"Everything's so curious and getting curiouser all the time." Hermione says as she turns back to the left and notices that she's in a long hallway. The walls are white with beige columns running along them. In the center of the hall is Cho Chang dressed in the weirdest outfit yet, the pants which resemble a fish's tail is green with gold scales and the top is like a golden halter-top. She looks like a mermaid but along her arms are fins that shine with gold paint. Her hair is braided with strings of gold and her face is painted gold. 'She must be a fish.' Hermione concluded. Hermione shrugs her shoulders and walks up to her.  
  
"You see this handsomely engraved invitation, I suppose?" Cho said with an air of importance. Cho holds the invitation towards Hermione like it's for her. Hermione knowing that she's going to play along anyway said,  
  
"Yes, I do." Hermione goes to take the invitation, but Cho snatches it away and looks at Hermione in disgust.  
  
"Well, it's not for you. So stop your whining." Hermione opens her mouth in astonishment, I thought Cho was my friend.  
  
"I beg your pardon." Hermione says offended. Cho smiles sweetly.  
  
"That will do no good what-so-ever. I'm not in a position to grant pardons." Hermione's a little confused, but still offended.  
  
"The very idea." Cho shakes her head in agreement.  
  
"That's it! The very idea! You seem rather bright but your hair wants cutting." Hermione reaches up to her hair and wonders if that's really true. Should she get a hair cut?  
  
"Personal comments are not in very good taste." Hermione said with Cho still shaking her head in agreement.  
  
"And good taste is just what we'll have when the tarts are ready." Cho says rubbing her stomach in mock hunger. Hermione a bit confused says,  
  
"What tarts?" Cho looks at Hermione as if she's retarded and walks around her.  
  
"I know you know the invitation is for the Duchess to attend the croquet game and have a tart with the Queen afterwards." Hermione shakes her head no.  
  
"It is?" Cho sighs and takes a deep breath.  
  
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer's day! And so forth." Cho recites very fast. Hermione smiles with understanding.  
  
"Yes, I've heard that before." Cho slaps her hand to her face in exasperation.  
  
"Of course you have... I just said it! If you'd cut your hair you'd hear better. That's only common sense." Cho says a little loudly.  
  
"Has anyone stolen the tarts?" Hermione asks wondering were Cho put the invitation she had had earlier.  
  
"Not yet. We've got to run. Quickly!" Cho yells as she starts jogging in place. Hermione looks at her like she's a retard and then asks,  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To stay in the same place!" Hermione feeling propelled to do as Cho did shrugged her shoulders and started jogging in place with her. Although Hermione knew that they weren't actually going anywhere the hallway started moving.  
  
"I don't want to stay in the same place, if you don't mind." They didn't stop jogging and the hallway started moving faster and faster.  
  
"But, I do mind! Faster!" Cho yelled as suddenly the hallway stopped moving. The place that Hermione was looking looked exactly like the place where they were a minute ago. Still they jogged.  
  
"We don't seem to be getting anywhere."  
  
"Faster! Faster!" Cho yelled louder. Hermione shrugged again and continued to jog, the odd thing was that she didn't feel the least bit tired.  
  
"I do wish we could have a little rest." Hermione heard herself say as Cho stopped running. Somehow Hermione had gotten behind her and so she quickly ran to catch up.  
  
"STOP!" Cho screamed as Hermione pulled up beside her. Hermione looked around and sure enough nothing had changed, they hadn't moved at all.  
  
"We don't seem to have moved at all. We're in exactly the same place." Cho smiled at her and nodded.  
  
"Would you have it otherwise?" Hermione was now beyond confused.  
  
"Well, in my country, when we run fast we generally get somewhere." Hermione said indignantly. Cho shrugged and pointed behind Hermione.  
  
"Time for knocks on the door."  
  
"What door?" Hermione said as she turned around. There was the same door from earlier only this time it was the right height.  
  
"There." Cho says as she walks up to the door and knocks three times. Each time Cho knocked, Hermione thought she heard someone say, 'knock.'  
  
"Hark ye! Hark ye! Open ye! An invitation from the Queen." Cho steps away from the door as it swings open. Inky blackness was all Hermione could see through the doorway and then Oliver Wood walked through the door in a frog outfit. He wore green tights with frog-feet shoes and a bright green waistcoat with tuxedo tails, his hands were painted green and webbed and his whole head was painted green as well. Hermione would have burst out with giggles had she been allowed. To find one of the cutest graduates from Hogwarts decked out in a frog costume was hilarious.  
  
"The Frog Footman, servant to the Duchess, at your service." Wood said bowing to Cho. When he stood back up the door slammed shut of it's own accord.  
  
"The Queen invites the Duchess to a game of croquet and dearly hopes she can make it or else." Cho says happily to Wood.  
  
"I see." Wood says and then sneezes loudly. Hermione, startled, almost runs into the back of Cho.  
  
"Bless you." Hermione says. Wood looks at her quizzically and then looks to Cho for an explanation.  
  
"Pay no attention to her, she's waiting for a haircut." Wood looks back at Hermione confused.  
  
"It's not her turn." Cho shakes her head knowingly.  
  
"I know it, but she kept screaming at me." Hermione smiles to herself but the stern looks that Cho and Wood gave her made her sober.  
  
"The Duchess is not fond of people who scream. She's highly sensitive to screaming." Wood informed Hermione, who was a little taken- aback. She was not screaming, Cho was.  
  
"I didn't scream and I'm not waiting for a haircut." Hermione almost yelled, really this was all nonsense.  
  
"Why do you need a haircut?" Wood asked picking up a piece of Hermione's hair.  
  
"I don't need a haircut." She said as Wood dropped her hair and turning to Cho.  
  
"See? She makes no sense at all." Cho said shaking her head sadly. Wood shook his head in agreement.  
  
"None what-so-ever." Hermione looked at them questioningly.  
  
"I think you're trying to confuse me." Wood shook his head no.  
  
"The Duchess is very sensitive to confusion." Wood looks back to Cho and Cho hands him the invitation that she didn't have a minute ago. "I'll give her the invitation and pray I don't get hit with a pot." Wood said turning back to the door.  
  
"The Duchess might throw a pot at you?" Hermione asked indeed confused. Wood turns back around and looks at Hermione exasperated.  
  
"Of course not. But the cook will." Wood says as he motions for Cho to get out of the way. Cho moves and Wood runs two circles around her then runs through the door into blackness.  
  
"A strange household I'd say." Hermione comments truthfully. Cho starts jogging again, but Hermione refuses to.  
  
"Please don't expect me to stay, she'll need cherries for the tarts." Cho starts jogging backwards down the hallway.  
  
"If you run that way, you can't see where you are going!" Hermione yells after her. Cho smiles and waves.  
  
"I know. Makes for surprises." Cho says then disappears. Hermione shrugs and turns back to the door.  
  
"Perhaps this is where I'm supposed to meet the White Rabbit on the dot." Hermione says.  
  
"She's doing just fine, isn't she? And having fun too." Hermione whirls around to see who's there, but it's only Fred's voice.  
  
"Wait'll she meets the Duchess." Cho's voice came ringing back. Hermione turned around again.  
  
"And her cook." Fred says. Hermione shrugs and goes back to the door and knocks.  
  
"May I come in?" The door opens by itself and Hermione is sucked into the inky blackness. She opens her eyes and sees that she's in a cottage like house, but the only thing in the house is a stove. She turns around to where the door should be but in its place is Professor Sprout holding a baby. She's wearing a very nice dress with high-heels and stockings. She had her hair up and a tiara is perched on top. Professor Sprout is dressed like the Queen of England. Hermione turns back around to the stove and there's Dumbledore, dressed in a cook's smock and with a cook's hat perched atop his head, banging around pots and pans.  
  
"Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes; He only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases." Professor Sprout sang as Dumbledore made more noise with the pots and pans.  
  
"Wow, wow, wow!" Dumbledore suddenly shouted from the stove. Professor Sprout turns to where Dumbledore is and sneezes.  
  
"I know a million verses to that song and I hate 'em all." Professor Sprout says and then sneezes again. Hermione trying her hardest to laugh steps out of the way of Dumbledore.  
  
"Bless you." Hermione says and then looks at Dumbledore. He stops stirring in one of the pots and looks at Hermione. She smiles as Dumbledore picks up another pot and places it over his head. He then beats that pot with another and promptly knocks himself out. Hermione is laughing inside while 'the words' take over outside. "Well, I never."  
  
"Living backwards, that's what does it." Professor Sprout says as the baby she's holding starts crying violently. "What's the matter with you? Want a good bouncing?" Professor Sprout then starts bouncing the baby with no regard that it's a baby. Hermione is more than a little frightened for the baby. "There! That ought to do it! PIG!" Professor Sprout yells.  
  
"I don't like to interfere..." Hermione starts but Professor Sprout just ignores her.  
  
"Piggy pig, pig! Dance me a jig! Pour on molasses, And call it a wig!" Professor Sprout sings and then sneezes again.  
  
"Bless you." Hermione says and then sneezes herself. "Bless me." Professor Sprout turns to Hermione and sneezes.  
  
"What an awful conversationalist you are, and that's a fact. Try the soup." Dumbledore runs to Hermione with a pot of something and then offers her the spoon to taste.  
  
"The soup? Oh, all right." Hermione says and then Dumbledore sneezes. "Bless you." Hermione says and Professor Sprout snorts with disdainment. "Blessing people after they sneeze is a form of good manners." Hermione says and then tastes the soup proffered.  
  
"Do tell." Professor Sprout, Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagall say. Hermione looks at Professor McGonagall funny and then says,  
  
"There may be too much pepper in the soup." Dumbledore snatches the pot and the spoon away and then shrieks as if offended. He runs around Professor Sprout and into the stove knocking all the pots and pans off then he disappears. Hermione looks back at Professor McGonagall. It's as if Professor McGonagall had changed into her cat form but remained as big as a human, plus she could talk. She was sitting in a chair beside the stove oblivious to Dumbledore's banging around. "Gracious! What an unusual pussycat. Are you smiling, Kitty?" Professor McGonagall starts laughing hysterically.  
  
"It's not a smile, it's more of a grin. PIG!" Professor Sprout says. Hermione huffs as if insulted.  
  
"Pig? Please, are you addressing the cat or the baby or me?" Hermione asks as Professor Sprout tosses the baby up in the air and catches it.  
  
"Pig! Pig! Piggy! Pig! Pig!" She chants as she repeatedly tosses the baby. Hermione turns back to Professor McGonagall, who's grinning from ear to ear.  
  
"Oh. Please don't think me forward, but is there a reason for the cat to grin like that?" Hermione asks.  
  
"Certainly. She's a Cheshire Cat and that's why." Professor Sprout says mater-of-factly.  
"Really?" Hermione says questioningly. Professor Sprout turns around to her and smiles.  
  
"I said it, so it's so." She declared, Hermione was bum-fuddled.  
  
"Dinah doesn't grin." Crookshanks! And no, he doesn't grin, not like that. Professor Sprout was now rocking the baby back and forth, while Professor McGonagall just kept on grinning.  
  
"That's her problem." Professor Sprout said.  
  
"But Dinah's a cat, too, my cat, my dear little kittypuss." Hermione says, disgusted with herself for saying such a stupid pet-name. A loud clash of pots and pans came from somewhere, but Dumbledore was no where in sight. "And frankly, I'm wondering how I can get back home and see her right now."  
  
"Stop wondering. If you were living backwards like me, you'd be home last Wednesday." Professor Sprout shouted as she took to tossing the baby again.  
  
"But I'm not living backwards. I'm living forwards." Hermione informed everyone who was willing to listen. Professor Sprout shook her head sadly.  
  
"The mess people make of their lives. But there's no time for tea."  
  
"I didn't ask for tea." Hermione said as Professor Sprout started looking around for something.  
  
"I expect I'll need white gloves and a fan." Professor Sprout said off-handedly. Hermione brightened up.  
  
"Oh, yes, that's right. I wonder, your Highness, if you could tell me how to get to the Queen's croquet game?" Hermione says as Professor Sprout acts as if she's burping the baby.  
  
"Certainly. I could tell you. But then I could choose not to tell you. You see my position?" Hermione stared at Professor Sprout as if she had lost her mind. Suddenly the noise at the stove was too much, Dumbledore was back and making as much noise as possible. Hermione tried to ignore the noise though as she turned back to Professor Sprout.  
  
"Do you think the Queen will object to my company?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Nothing to fret about even if she does. She'll only behead you." Professor Sprout says off-handedly. Hermione walks back over to her and wonders,  
  
"Only?!"  
  
"Tell you what. We'll make a game of it! After the Queen has you beheaded, I'll box her ears. There, now, won't that be fun?" Professor Sprout laughs as Hermione puts her hand to her throat.  
  
"No."  
  
"There are two things I can't abide, and the other one is rudeness." Professor Sprout says menacingly to Hermione, while in the back at the stove Dumbledore is still banging around pots and pans.  
  
"Forgive me, I don't wish to seem rude, nor do I wish to be beheaded." Hermione says as Professor Sprout looks behind her. Professor Sprout then takes up the hem of her gown while holding the baby in her other hand.  
  
"Run! We've got to run! Quickly! Run!" Professor Sprout shouts. Dumbledore grabs two handy pots and runs up beside Hermione and then they start jogging in place. Hermione shrugs and jogs along with them. "Faster! Faster! No talking or singing or arithmetic! Run!" Professor Sprout shouted as everyone continued to jog in place.  
  
"I don't believe we got anywhere." Hermione said actually a little winded this time. Professor Sprout looked at her funny and then everyone stopped jogging.  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"We're in exactly the same place." Hermione said confused.  
  
"Thank heavens!" Professor Sprout shouted. Hermione looked around and saw that the stove and Professor McGonagall was still there.  
  
"But so is the cat and she didn't run. She didn't even get up." Professor Sprout laughs then sneezes and tosses Hermione the baby. Hermione catches the baby and rocks it gently.  
  
"Here! I must ready myself for the Queen's croquet game!" Professor Sprout runs off towards the stove and as she runs by Dumbledore tries to hit her with his pot. He misses and Professor Sprout disappears, Dumbledore throws the pot after her then grabs another and runs in the same direction promptly disappearing. Hermione looks at Professor McGonagall and watches as she slowly disappears, the last thing visible being her smile and then that disappears as well.  
  
"Well, I never! They might have said 'good-bye.'" Hermione said as she watched Professor McGonagall reappears. Professor Sprout and Dumbledore reappear running around Hermione.  
  
"Good-bye!" Professor Sprout shouts and then disappears.  
  
"Good-bye!" Dumbledore shouts and then disappears as well. Hermione shakes her head and continues to rock the baby.  
  
"Whatever am I to do with this dear little baby?" Hermione says as the baby starts crying. Hermione pulls back the baby blanket and sees a cute little baby boy with green eyes and blonde wisps of hair. "There, there. I certainly shan't treat you as roughly as the Duchess did." The baby cries even harder and then gradually the cries turns to squeals. "Now, now. Rock-a-bye-baby...what a strange looking child." The baby's face gradually changes as Hermione continues. "I do believe he somewhat resembles a..." The baby is now oinking very loudly. "...PIG!" Hermione screams and then tosses the wriggling pig into the air where it promptly disappears.  
  
"There you are! Don't bother to explain, there isn't time! Just make certain you fetch my white gloves and fan and meet me on the dot. And remember, Mary Ann, there is absolutely no time for a haircut!" Draco startles Hermione as he hops by in front of her and on past her then disappears again. Hermione feels a little bewildered as she turns back to Professor McGonagall, all signs of the house are gone she notes.  
  
"I think I need a little help." Hermione says to Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Tell me what happened to the baby?" Professor McGonagall asks.  
  
"It turned into a pig." Hermione said mater-of-factly.  
  
"I thought it would. Are you having a good time?" Hermione smiled.  
  
"I'm a little confused. Between smiling and frowning sort of." Professor McGonagall nodded her head.  
  
"What's a dog do when he's happy?"  
  
"Wags his tail." Hermione said knowingly.  
  
"And when he's angry?"  
  
"He growls."  
  
"Now you take me. I wag my tail when I'm angry and growl when I'm happy." Hermione smiled.  
  
"I call that purring." Professor McGonagall shook her head in annoyance.  
  
"Call it what you like. It's all part of the nice madness."  
  
"I am having a good time. It's all so...unusual." Professor McGonagall arched her eyebrow at Hermione.  
  
"That's what you wanted, you know – something unusual to happen." Hermione thought back to earlier.  
  
"Yes, I did. You heard that?" Professor McGonagall nodded her head.  
  
"Are you going to play croquet with the Queen?" Professor McGonagall asked. Hermione thought about it.  
  
"I think so."  
  
"Good. I'll see you there. Or perhaps you'll see me there. You never know."  
  
"It's all one and the same. That's the rule." Hermione said.  
  
"You're catching on." Professor McGonagall said smiling and nodding her head.  
  
"I'm trying." Hermione screamed inside at the sheer absurdness of this whole day.  
  
"By the way, did you say that the baby changed into a fig?" Hermione smiled and shook her head no.  
  
"No, I said 'pig.'"  
  
"I knew it was one or the other." Professor McGonagall stood up and the chair disappeared. "In that direction lives a Hatter," Professor McGonagall pointed left through a thicket of trees. "And in that direction lives a March Hare." She then pointed right past a white picketed fence. "Maybe one of them can help you. They're both mad, you know." Professor McGonagall smiles prettily and then vanishes. Hermione shrugs and decides to go right.  
  
"Well, I expect the only thing to do now is...run! Faster and faster!" Hermione shouts as she starts to run in place. Slowly the picketed fence goes by and she becomes tired. "Oh dear! I'm so tired, I've just got to sit down for a while." Hermione stops running and a chair appears in the middle of the clearing.  
  
"About how long do you suppose to rest?" The voice of Fred Weasley asks. Hermione closes her eyes and sits down in the chair.  
  
"Oh, about ten minutes, or so..."  
  
To Be Continued... 


	2. Part Two

Title : A Wondrous Place?  
  
Author : Seraphyne  
  
Date : May 03, 2004  
  
Author's Note: Here is the conclusion, for those of you who are familiar with the story or the play, then you know what to expect. Those of you who aren't then here's a very exciting and funny tale. Some questions you may be asking yourself right now: What has this to do with Hermione's life? What's the ending going to be like? What changes will this have on Hermione? All good questions and hopefully the ending I wrote satisfy them, if not then drop me a review and I'll respond to any question you might have. Thanks for taking time and reading this, it means a lot to me. Warning: This is longer then the first part and I'm sorry about that, I didn't expect it to be.  
  
Part Two  
  
'What a strange dream I was having. Everyone thought I was someone named Alice and no one knew me. I wonder what time it is.' Hermione thought as she opened her eyes. She was still sitting in a chair, there was a long dinning room table set for at least thirty people. There were ten tea kettles along the length of the table. Hermione's chair was at the head of the table and three people were seated at the other end of the table. Hermione could hear someone singing a ridiculous song, but the singing was quite nice. She looked around, the table was in the middle of a forest clearing and a picketed fence ran along the left side of the table. She sat up straighter in the chair and tried to see clearly who the three people were at the other end. Suddenly she remembered that 'the words' would have there way and here they came.  
  
"Well now! I must have run especially fast...it seems I got to a tea party!" Hermione's voice was overcome by the singing of a male person at the other end of the table. His voice was quite nice, but Hermione knew that he had to have used a spell to magnify it so she could hear.  
  
"Tea and crumpets, Love 'em hot and cold, Gongs and trumpets, Take 'em young or old. Tea and crumpets, Love 'em cold or hot, Gongs and trumpets, Throw 'em in a pot. Oh, fiddle, fiddle, fiddle, And a fiddle-dee- dee. Pass the bread and the butter, And the marmalade to me!" The singer quit singing and the other two people started applauding him, Hermione joined in. 'Although the song was retarded he did sing with a nice voice.' She thought.  
  
"That's very nice, except for the tune and the words." The funny dressed brown rabbit said. The man singing stood up again.  
  
"Thank you! Thank you! Encore! Tea and crumpets..." Suddenly he stopped and stared at Hermione. He gave a shriek and then all three stood up and ran to her end of the table. The female was supposed to be a mouse, but turned out to be Ginny Weasley with a skin-tight gray mouse suite on and gray mouse ears. Her face was painted much like Colin Creevey's was. Ginny ran to the second seat from Hermione's chair and sat down picking up a tea kettle and pouring herself some tea. The brown rabbit turned out to be Ron Weasley with brown rabbit ears and a painted rabbit's face. He had an old-timey brown suite on that was a little too big. Hermione tried to giggle when he grabbed her upper arm and stood her up. The man, who was singing, turned out to be Harry Potter. He was wearing an old-timey suite as well but his was blue, black, and gray. It didn't match all too well; he also had on a black top hat.  
  
"No room!" Ron yelled at Hermione while running wildly around her sometimes running into Harry.  
  
"No room!" Harry yelled as he mimicked Ron as much as possible.  
  
"No room!" Ginny yelled from the comfort of her chair while sipping tea. Hermione shrugged.  
  
"Of course there's room. There's plenty of room. I'll sit here." Hermione says as she returns to the chair she had woken up in while Ron and Harry huff and puff as they take the seats beside Ginny, who seems to have fallen asleep. Ron, sitting the closest to Hermione, leans over to her conspiratorially.  
  
"Have some ice cream." He says offering her a saucer with a tea cup on it. Hermione takes the saucer and puts it down in front of her.  
  
"I...I don't see any ice cream." She says innocently. Ron starts laughing and Harry joins in now wearing a cowboy hat.  
  
"There isn't any!" Ron squeaks which wakes Ginny up. Hermione glares at her once best friend and soon to be ex-boyfriend.  
  
"Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer me some." Ron completely stops laughing and then smacks Harry so he'll stop as well. Ron glares at Hermione.  
  
"And it wasn't very polite of you to sit down without being asked!" Harry starts laughing hysterically again and Hermione notices that he's now wearing a blue beret.  
  
"The idea! Besides, I didn't know it was your table. It's set for so many places." Hermione says motioning to all of the saucers and cups scattered around the table. 'I wish I was in Ginny's position. It seems she only has to sleep.' Hermione thought as Ron poked her.  
  
"Easy come, easy went." Ron says as Harry stops laughing and then gasps in mock horror. Hermione looks over at him and he's wearing the top hat again.  
  
"Your hair wants cutting!" He says as Hermione rolls her eyes. Ginny's head comes up off the table but her eyes are still closed.  
  
"People here don't seem to realize that personal remarks are rude!" Hermione shouts. Harry stands up with a lathering brush in his hand.  
  
"I can give you a haircut and the Dormouse a shave in less time than it takes to say 'Three thistles threw their thistle-down through thirty thick thermometers.'" Harry says as he smears shaving cream on Ginny's face which Ron is holding up because Ginny's asleep. Harry then throws down the brush and grabs a pair of scissors and runs around to Hermione. He tries to get some of her hair but Hermione shrinks away from him yelling,  
  
"I don't want a haircut, thank you!" Ginny raises her head from the table and sways then looks around with her eyes still closed and says,  
  
"You're welcome, I'm sure." Harry and Ron both look at Ginny and then they push her head down back to the table. Then Harry stands up diplomatically and walks to the other side of Hermione, who notes that Harry's wearing a horseback riding helmet now.  
  
"Why is a thistle like a thermometer?" Harry asks Hermione and then looks at his pocket watch, which doesn't work. "Quickly!" Harry yells as Ron's head sways back and forth while he clucks his tongue, which sounds like a clock ticking.  
  
"Oh, good! Riddles! I love riddles!" Hermione exclaims. Ron stops clicking and then claps his hands in mock excitement.  
  
"I love riddles!" Ron says mimicking Hermione. Harry walks back over to his seat and pours himself two cups of tea and sips from both. Hermione puts her finger to her chin as if thinking really hard.  
  
"Now let's see." She says. Ron finishes pouring Ginny a cup of tea and then pours a long stream of tea right into his mouth.  
  
"Now let's see." Ron says mimicking Hermione yet again; Ginny is now awake and drinking a cup of tea to keep her that way. 'It seems as if Ginny had stayed up all night and the whole of the next day.' Hermione thought.  
  
"Why is a thistle like a thermometer?" Hermione recites the question and Ron becomes mad.  
  
"We just had that riddle. Think up a new one." He says to Hermione; Harry nods his head in agreement to Ron. Ginny's asleep again with a cup of tea in her right hand and her left hand inside the mouth of a tea kettle.  
  
"I'm trying to find the answer to his riddle." Hermione says to Ron, who becomes extremely panicked.  
  
"Where did you lose it?" He asks.  
  
"I didn't lose it. I haven't found it yet." Hermione states as Ron gets up out of his seat frantic now.  
  
"Look in all the teacups!" He yells as he picks up each teacup around him and pours it's contents out. Harry does the same where he's sitting and they both reach for Ginny's teacup. When they have it, Ginny wakes up.  
  
"No room!" Ginny yells at Harry and Ron, who then force her head back down to the table where she promptly falls back asleep. Harry sits back down and so does Ron.  
  
"Stop talking in riddles and have some more tea." Harry says to Hermione as he hands her Ginny's teacup. Ron promptly takes the teacup that was in front of Hermione and pours himself some tea. Hermione places Ginny's teacup on the saucer that's in front of her.  
  
"I can't have more when I haven't had any." Hermione states in her know-it-all voice. Harry looks at her crushed, almost crying.  
  
"Full already?" He asks. Hermione rolls her eyes and picks up Ginny's teacup that is now hers.  
  
"No. More tea, please." Hermione says as she holds the teacup up for Ron to fill.  
  
"Splendid." Ron says picking up the tea kettle. Harry pulls the top hat off his head to reveal a fez sitting there, Ron pours tea into Harry's top hat and Harry begins to sip from it. Ginny has leaned back in her seat with her head against the back of the chair, her mouth is fully open and Ron pours tea into her mouth, which makes her cough and sputter everywhere. Ron then pours tea into his cup, when the cup is full he takes the cup and drinks. All the while the tea is pouring onto the table. Hermione sticks her cup under the fount and when it's full Ron puts the tea kettle down. Harry stares at his now empty top hat and then shrieks. He stands up and runs around the whole table once and then stops by Hermione's chair.  
  
"Have you thought of the answer yet?" He asks her. Hermione leans back into her chair and abandons her teacup, since there wasn't any tea in it anyway.  
  
"I'm afraid I don't know very much about thistles or thermometers. Tell me, what's the answer?" Hermione asks, Harry stands up and then laughs.  
  
"I don't know." Harry looks at Ron. "Do you?" Ron shrugs his shoulders at Harry.  
  
"Haven't the faintest idea." Ron says as he elbows Ginny in the ribs, she wakes up with her eyes open and looks around.  
  
"Me, either." She says before going back to sleep. Harry and Ron stare open-mouthed at each other and then start clapping.  
  
"Good answer!" Harry exclaims while Ron hoots and howlers. Hermione crosses her arms over her chest and sits up in her chair.  
  
"Really! Wasting time making up riddles that don't have any answers!" Harry and Ron had resumed their seats and Ron was looking in the various teacups around him.  
  
"Everybody got a clean cup except the three of us." Ron shouts scaring Hermione and Ginny awake. Harry pushes Ginny out of her seat and sits down, Ginny pushes Ron out of his seat and he falls to the floor. Ginny sits in his seat fully alert and pouring herself more tea. Ron stands up off the floor with an angry look on his face, then laughs and walks to the chair that's beside Harry. Harry sets his teacup down and looks at Hermione.  
  
"Last March, just before he went mad," Harry says pointing to Ron, who shakes his head no. "I was performing at a great concert given by the Queen. I have a great singing voice you know." Harry pauses and stands up in his chair. "I was singing a lovely song: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, How I wonder what you're at." Harry stops singing and looks at Hermione. "Perhaps you know it?"  
  
"Sounds familiar." Hermione says as Harry nods in agreement.  
  
"It goes on you know, like this:" Harry says as he gets up on the table among the teacups and the tea kettles, he's now wearing a court jester's hat. "Up above the world you fly, Like a tea tray in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..."  
  
"Twinkle..."  
  
"Twinkle..." Ron and Ginny star mimicking Harry's 'twinkles' and Harry notices. He looks at Ron.  
  
"Twinkle!" Ron shuts up and cowers down. Harry then looks at Ginny.  
  
"Twinkle!" He yells at her and she cowers down as well. Harry looks back at Hermione and then steps off of the table onto his chair. "I vote the Dormouse tells us a story!" He says cheerily as he sits back down. Ron picks his head up from moping and smiles.  
  
"I second that motion." He says and then looks at Hermione for some reason. After a minute Ron continues. "I third that motion." Harry beams.  
  
"Motion passed."  
  
"That would be nice." Hermione says looking at Ginny, who was asleep yet again.  
  
"She's asleep. Hold your breath and count up to zero." Ron says as Harry and him stand on either side of Ginny. She's sitting cross-legged in the chair and so Ron and Harry pick her and place her on the table then Ron tickles her to wake her. Ginny sits up and stretches and yawns.  
  
"Once upon a time there were three little sisters whose names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie." Ginny says stopping every now and then to yawn and fully wake up.  
  
"Where did they live?" Hermione asks sitting forward to hear better. Ron and Harry were sitting on either side of Ginny and acting as if enthralled with every word.  
  
"Sh!"  
  
"Sh!" They both said as Ginny looked at Hermione and glared.  
  
"Stop interrupting! They lived, if you must know, at the bottom of a well. In fact, they lived happily ever after." Ginny says fading off and falling over asleep. Ron and Harry are still acting as if Ginny's still telling the story. Hermione leans around Ginny uncertainly.  
  
"Is that all there is to the story?" She asks, Harry looks at Hermione and then laughs.  
  
"Of course not, that's how all her story's begin." Ron and Harry, in a synchronized motion, poke Ginny in the sides, which makes her wake up with a squeak that actually sounded like a mouse. Ginny stretches and yawns again before continuing.  
  
"After they lived happily ever after, all sorts of terrible things started to happen. Elsie and Tillie caught nasty colds and Lacie pricked her finger with a pin." Ginny said as Harry and Ron started crying hysterically. They ranted and raved and moaned and groaned. Harry stops crying and looks at Ron, pointing to his finger.  
  
"Pricked her finger with a pin!" Harry recites and then Ron and Harry start cheering and applauding loudly. Ginny still sitting on the table bows. "That's the best story I've ever heard." Harry exclaims. Ron nods in agreement still clapping.  
  
"I'm glad it didn't get too complicated." He says with Ginny beaming at them while Hermione is confused.  
  
"Here's another story." Ginny says now fully awake. Harry shrieks and falls out of his seat as if he fainted. "Once upon a time there were three sisters whose names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well." Ginny paused as Harry resumed his seat beside her.  
  
"Sounds like a good one." He says looking at Ron.  
  
"They keep getting better." Ron says with his attention back on Ginny. Hermione leans forward hoping that this story will be better than the last one.  
  
"And they took to drawing things." Ginny says as Ron and Harry look at each other amazed.  
  
"Drawing things." Harry and Ron intoned together. Hermione couldn't stand it any longer.  
  
"What for example?" Hermione asked. Ginny snapped her head around to look at Hermione. She shook her head as if not understanding.  
  
"Water, for example! They lived at the bottom of a well and they drew water!" Ginny yells at Hermione madly. Ron and Harry stare at Hermione as if she wasn't the smartest girl at Hogwarts.  
  
"Oh, I see. A joke! A rather mild joke, actually." Hermione says, Harry looks at Ginny and then back at Hermione.  
  
"Listen to her!" He yells pointing at Ginny. Hermione shakes her head.  
  
"To tell the truth I don't think the Dormouse's stories are...well, what shall I say?" Harry and Ron stand up suddenly and stalk towards Hermione menacingly. Harry points his finger at Hermione and says,  
  
"For one thing it's not the Dormouse's stories, it's the Dormice stories and for another..."  
  
"Oh, there you are!" Draco yells interrupting Harry. He hops over the table and lands beside Hermione. "Really, Mary Ann! The croquet game is scheduled to begin any moment now. Luckily I found you on the dot." Draco says and then looks down, Hermione stands up and looks at her feet. She's sees that's she standing on a huge black dot. "My white gloves, please." Draco holds out his hand and Hermione looks around. Ron pulls a pair of white gloves out of the nearest tea kettle and hands them to her. Hermione smiles and then gives them to Draco. "Good girl, now my fan." Hermione looks back to Ron who shrugs and points to Harry. Harry takes off the top hat he has on and then takes off the fez he's wearing underneath. A fan is sitting on his head and he hands it to Hermione, who then hands it to Draco.  
  
"Splendid! I'm going to recommend you for promotion. I'll even put in a good word with the Queen! It's the beginning of a great career! Just keep your head about you." Harry and Ron stand up and they grab Ginny around the waist and stand her up too.  
  
"Hurry!" The three of them exclaim as Draco points to the left of the table.  
  
"To the croquet game!" Draco yells as Ron and Ginny runs in the same direction as Draco hops.  
  
"To the croquet game! Faster!" Hermione yells as Harry runs in the opposite direction but seeing that no one else is turns around. Draco, Ron, Ginny, and Harry promptly disappear as Hermione tries to keep up with them. Hermione continues to run and quickly loses sight of the picketed fence and the tea party table. She finally sees something besides forest and continues to run towards it. She finally reaches a huge white wall with an arch. Hermione enters the arch and finds herself inside the walls of a castle. She follows the path, more slowly now, until she comes to a shrubbery garden. She turns a corner and finds three people hovering around four big rose bushes. Two of the people are wearing black shirts and pants with a playing card outfit over it. The other person is none other then Dumbledore in his cook outfit. Hermione gets closer and sees that one of the cards is Fred Weasley as the ace of Hearts and the other is George Weasley as the two of Hearts.  
  
"Make way for her majesty, the Queen of..." Fred Weasley announces as George Weasley interrupts.  
  
"Wait a minute! Are all the roses red?" He asks. Hermione now sees that the most of the roses on the bushes are indeed red but a few are white. Dumbledore is trying to dump red paint on the white roses.  
  
"The red ones are." Fred replies sarcastically. George looks at the bushes and sees several white roses.  
  
"Look!" He yells as he points out three white roses right in front. Dumbledore splashes paint at the roses but ends up painting himself instead.  
  
"Where?" Fred asks, oblivious to George and Dumbledore's antics. George gets closer to the three white roses and points again.  
  
"There! Three white roses! She'll cut off our heads!" George yells as Dumbledore accidentally splashes Fred with the red paint.  
  
"Get the paint!" Fred yells and then sees that he's already covered in it. "We haven't time to paint it properly!"  
  
"Dip it in the paint can. She'll never notice." George says as Dumbledore tries to put pepper in the paint.  
  
"Don't we hope." Fred says as he picks a white rose and dips it in the can. He replaces the wet red rose on the bush dripping paint all over the place.  
  
"Uh..." Hermione starts but then stops as George almost drops the paint can and Dumbledore faints in fright.  
  
"You startled us!" George yells as Fred tries to revive Dumbledore. Hermione shrugs.  
  
"I nearly dropped the can!" George yells at Hermione. Fred is successful at waking Dumbledore up.  
  
"Look, we haven't time for conversations." Fred says retrieving another white rose and dipping it in the paint can. Dumbledore dips his stirring spoon in the paint can and stirs it, then scoops out a dollop and runs to the nearest white rose to drench it with paint.  
  
"I was just wondering, why can't you leave the white rose the way it is?" Hermione asks really interested in the answer. Fred and George stop what they are doing and give her an evil look.  
  
"We're fond of our heads, that's why!" Fred yells. George nods his head and then says,  
  
"It's the only head I have, see."  
  
"What's that got to do with the white rose?" Hermione asks really confused. George carries the paint can over to the second rose bush and plucks the white roses of to dunk them while Dumbledore's trying to make them black by showering pepper everywhere. George sneezes.  
  
"Everything!" Fred yells as he runs over to help George.  
  
"Quickly, the paint, Dip the rose. Don't get any on your hands. And don't spill any. She'll spot it in a minute." George informs Fred as Hermione observes the situation. There is way more paint on the Fred, George, Dumbledore and the ground then the white roses, and whoever 'She' is going to have a difficult time NOT seeing it. Hermione thought.  
  
"Oh, you mean the Queen?"  
  
"Who else?" Fred asks as George grabs the stirring spoon from Dumbledore and throws it in the paint can then sets the can behind one of the rose bushes.  
  
"Wouldn't it be funny is she sniffed it and got red paint all over her nose?" Hermione asks laughing and little too girly for her own taste. Fred and Dumbledore joined in on the laughing but George was eyeing everyone evilly.  
  
"Hilarious!" Fred exclaims as George walks over to the wall behind the rose bushes; climbs up and looks over it. He points at something behind the wall.  
  
"There!" He yells as trumpets start playing. Fred and Dumbledore sober, as they stand rigid beside Hermione. George jumps down from the wall and runs to stand beside Dumbledore.  
  
"Make way for their majesties, the King and Queen of Hearts! Bow! And stay that way!" George announces and then he, Fred, and Dumbledore get down on their knees and then bows down with their hands on the ground. Hermione walks form one to the other trying to understand what was going on.  
  
"If I stay bowed, I'd never see them. What's the sense of coming here if I can't see them?" She asked as two more card people rounded the corner from where Hermione first came. She recognized them immediately. They were dressed the same as Fred and George. The three of Hearts was Sirius Black and his partner the four of Hearts was Cho Chang. Apparently they were supposed to march at the same time, but Sirius kept speeding up and slowing down so Cho was constantly trying to keep up. Behind them was a nicely dressed man, he even looked cute from where Hermione was standing. As he got closer she saw that he was wearing an old Englishman outfit, a formal blue jacket with the short pants that men use to wear. He had on white stockings with black shoes and buckles. His undershirt was a white frilly one with a lot of lace, but the effect made him seem prim and proper, then she seen his face! It was Professor Snape! 'How in the world did I think he was cute!' Hermione thought to herself then looked at him again. 'He is cute, in an older-man-sort-of-way.'  
  
Behind Professor Snape came, who else could it be but the big bad Queen. She was wearing a long formal black dress with red hearts adorning it. She red lace flowing from the sleeves of the dress and a long red and white tiger furred throw about her shoulders. Hermione then saw that the Queen was her own age, it was Pansy Parkinson! Although the attire was nice the Queen was still ugly. She wore a very elaborate golden crown with tones of gems and diamonds on it with a ruby shaped like a heart in the middle. Next came the king, Neville Longbottom, Hermione seen. He was wearing black dress pants that were two sizes too big for him and a bright red tuxedo jacket that was likewise too big. His crown was the same as Pansy's but with a few exceptions, his didn't have as many gems and diamonds and plus it was way too big. Pansy and Neville together as the King and Queen made a very funny sight, Hermione thought. Then there were Professor Sprout and Draco Malfoy behind them and last came two more cards; the five of hearts, which was Vincent Crabbe and the six of hearts, Crabbe's counterpart, Gregory Goyle. As Pansy drew up close to Fred, George, and Dumbledore; she stopped the procession and stared at Hermione.  
  
"Who are you?" Pansy asks. Everyone in the royal procession ran, except for Neville, the brave King. Sirius, Cho, Crabbe, and Goyle ran for Fred, Dumbledore, and George; who were cowering down by the rose bushes. Professor Sprout, Draco Malfoy, and Professor Snape were cowering on the other side of Neville. Hermione was standing tall and proud, she wasn't afraid of Pansy Parkinson! Besides she had gotten in a fight with Pansy in their second year to get a hair from her; Hermione remembered.  
  
"If it please Your Majesty, I'm Alice." Hermione said childishly while thinking, 'You know damn well, that I am Hermione Granger, you evil Slytherin!'  
  
"It doesn't please me. Nothing pleases me! I'm in a constant state of displeasure and I like it that way!" Pansy yelled for all to hear. Hermione tried to open her ears back up while the rest of the entourage was trembling with fear. "Who are they?!" Pansy asks pointing to Fred, George, and Dumbledore. Hermione looks at them and they are almost crying with fear, even Dumbledore.  
  
"I'm sure I don't know." Hermione says with a little bit of sarcasm. Pansy's face becomes pink with anger and Hermione could hear all the other people backing up from fear.  
  
"Why not?" Pansy says a little too calmly. Hermione was getting a little angry inside and out.  
  
"Perhaps it's none of my business." She says with as much sarcasm as 'the words' will let her have. All the while Pansy's face was becoming more and more heated. Pansy turns to Neville as if in a consult and then swing back around to Hermione, she starts taking off her earrings as if she's about to fight someone.  
  
"ARE YOU BEING INSOLENT?!" Pansy screams at the top of her lungs. Hermione flinches away, 'Dang, never knew she had a set of pipes that good!' Luckily Draco Malfoy recovered his courage and hopped between Hermione and Pansy, likewise Neville was trying his darned-est to restrain Pansy. Draco puts his hand to Hermione's forehead.  
  
"No Your Majesty, I'm being Alice." Hermione says simply trying to get Draco's hand off of her. Draco shakes his head sadly.  
  
"She has a fever, Your Majesty." He said by way of an explanation. This seemed to except this answer or so Hermione thought.  
  
"Well, I know a quick cure for a fever." Pansy pauses and Hermione notes that everyone puts their fingers in their ears, even Neville. "OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!" Pansy screams, Hermione was way passed being nice and that was her being Alice as well.  
  
"You wouldn't dare." Hermione says so icily that Professor Snape would have been challenged if he understood what was going on. Pansy's face changed three colors right then and there, from pink to red, and then to a deep purple.  
  
"WH-AAA-AAA-AAA-T???!!!" If Pansy screamed the 'off with your head' thing then she bellowed this time. Hermione lept back a little as Pansy tried to grab for her. Neville runs around to get between them and faces Pansy holding up his hands.  
  
"Pleeze dearz, zhe juztz a whittle girlz, youz knowz." Neville says with an awful lisp. Pansy looks at Neville and her face softens a little. She looks back Hermione, who's standing there with her hands on her hips. Everyone else is cowering so far away that they were likely to become part of the walls and rose bushes.  
  
"She'll be a headless little girl if she doesn't mind her manners." Pansy says with a much lower tone and lighter one too. Neville beams at her and then faces Hermione.  
"Mindz yourz mannerz. Dooz youz mindz?" Neville asks Hermione. Hermione tries her best to laugh out loud but 'the words' won't let her. She does smile though.  
  
"I don't mind." She says as everyone sighs with relief and comes closer to Hermione, Neville, Pansy, and Draco. Neville takes his place back behind Pansy and the change that came over her was drastic. One minute she was yelling and screaming, now she's beaming and smiling.  
  
"Do you play croquet?" Pansy asks Hermione, who smiles.  
  
"Yes, indeed. It's one of my favorite games." Hermione replies, Pansy beams all the more.  
  
"I invented it! Ask them!" Pansy yelled pointing to all of her cards of hearts. Hermione turned to look at Fred, George and Dumbledore, who were shaking their head avidly.  
  
"Oh, yes she invented!"  
  
"She invented!"  
  
Queen's rules!" Pansy made a slicing motion across her neck with her bejeweled finger and all of the cards shut up at once. She turned back to Hermione.  
  
"Ask the Knave of Hearts if you don't believe me." Pansy said as Professor Snape walked calmly and pointedly up beside Pansy. Hermione again admired how well other colors, beside black, looked on him.  
  
"Yes, indeed, she invented it." Snape said and then bowed to Hermione. Stepping back Draco took his place.  
  
"And where would we be without it?" Draco asks and all of the cards start moving around in hectic circles and squares, sometimes running into each other, and reciting the multiplication tables.  
  
"Four times five..."  
  
"Twenty..."  
  
"Six times twelve..."  
  
"Seventy-two..."  
  
"CEASE!" Pansy screams and all of the cards freeze in mid- stride. "Prepare for the croquet game!" Pansy yells as Fred, George, Sirius, Cho, Crabbe, and Goyle run around trying to set up a game of croquet. They repeatedly run into each other and once or twice Crabbe and Goyle knocks Cho down. Draco hops up to Hermione and pulls her to the side.  
  
"Have you seen Mary Ann?" He asks Hermione seriously.  
  
"No. Have you?" Hermione answers, Draco shakes his head sadly.  
  
"Well, be sure and tell her that the Duchess is in prison." Hermione's eyes became wide with wonder.  
  
"What for?" She asks, Draco shrugs.  
  
"She'll want to know." Draco says, Hermione shakes her head in confusion.  
  
"No, I mean, why is the Duchess in Prison?" Hermione says. Comprehension dawns on Draco's face.  
  
"She was late arriving. That was bad enough, but then she went and boxed the Queen's ears, which was worse." Draco says as Hermione tries her hardest to burst out with laughter, but can't.  
  
"I can imagine." Hermione says instead. Draco nods.  
  
"The Queen will probably have her beheaded." Draco says, Hermione shakes her head.  
  
"I'm rather surprised there's anyone left." She says in mock seriousness. Hermione noticed that Professor Snape was now carrying what was supposed to be croquet mallets, but they had flamingo heads instead. Snape handed Pansy, Neville, Dumbledore, and Hermione a flamingo headed mallet. Apparently the "cards" were going to be the wickets because Cho and Fred joined hands as well as George and Sirius Black, while Crabbe and Goyle also made a wicket.  
  
"Croquet! Time for the Croquet Game! On the double! Obey the rules! Wickets and mallets and player take heed!" Pansy started shouting as Cho, Fred, George, Crabbe, Goyle, and Sirius started repeating various phrases.  
  
"Take heed!"  
  
"Obey the rules!"  
  
"Time for croquet!"  
  
"Queen's rules!"  
  
"Shut up!" Pansy yelled. She took her flamingo mallet and stood in front of the first human wicket and then swung...at nothing. Cho and Fred unleashed their hands and then clapped along with everyone else.  
  
"Nice shot Queen!"  
  
"Good shot!" Hermione was quite confused as Neville stepped up to take his turn. He swung the mallet and then Professor Snape, who was standing right behind Cho and Fred as the first wicket, pretended to kick something out. All of the others started laughing and Neville hung his head in disappointment.  
  
"Where are the balls?" Hermione said, not being able to stand it anymore. Everyone, even Pansy, tuned to stare at her and then a chorus of answers followed.  
  
"Obey the rules!"  
  
"Queen's rules!"  
  
"Are you blind?!"  
  
"That's the rule!" Pansy glared at everyone and the shouts died out as Dumbledore took his turn. When he swung the mallet, Cho and Fred moved to the right as if making sure that Dumbledore would miss. It was Hermione's turn and she thought she might as well play along, so she swung at the invisible ball. She actually felt the mallet hit something but as the invisible ball headed in the right direction, Cho and Fred moved out of the way for her to miss.  
  
"But you moved!" Hermione says as Cho and Fred unclamps their hands and joins Professor Snape and Draco in watching Pansy's next turn.  
  
"Queen's rules!" someone shouted as Pansy swung her flamingo, again everyone dropped what they were doing and congratulated her. Hermione was becoming angry. Neville swung again but missed due to Sirius kicking the ball out like Snape had. Dumbledore tried again and Sirius and George moved out of the way just like Cho and Fred had. Hermione decided that she would try one more time. She stepped up and swung really hard, hopefully the ball was going too fast to be intercepted. Sirius and George move but Hermione was hopeful... for no reason. Her ball missed again. She throughs down her mallet.  
  
"But you aren't supposed to move!" Hermione says to the chorus of,  
  
"That's the rules!"  
  
"Obey the rules!"  
  
"Queen's rules!" Hermione shrugs and walks over to the rose bushes. Cho runs over and retrieves the forgotten mallet Hermione threw down. Pansy was taking her last turn as Hermione noticed Professor McGonagall standing beside one of the rose bushes.  
  
"You said you wanted something unusual to happen, remember? Is this unusual enough?" Hermione sighs.  
  
"It's almost too unusual. I've never experienced such a croquet game. I can't quite believe the Queen invented it. She doesn't seem acquainted with any rules at all." Hermione says. Professor McGonagall smiled and nodded.  
  
"She isn't. She dismissed them long ago, even before she became acquainted with them." Professor McGonagall looked over to the place where the croquet game was and Hermione looked too, but everyone was gone. Hermione was going to ask something, but 'the words' took over.  
  
"Did you hear about the Duchess?" She says as Professor McGonagall stretched like a cat against the wall.  
  
"Her head gone?" She asked as Hermione found herself imitating Professor McGonagall.  
  
"No, but almost. She boxed the Queen's ears. Imagine!" Hermione paused to think, but she wasn't thinking about Professor Sprout. 'What is all this really? I can't say or do anything that I want, I'm forced to so as "the words" will it. Am I under a spell? If so then who cast the spell? Harry and Ron? To get me to see that I spend way too much time in...fairy- tale land? Uh, I don't know!' Hermione thought as 'the words' took over yet again. "Don't you think we should do something about her?" Hermione says. Professor McGonagall seemed to have been napping because she snapped awake, wide-eyed and surprised to see Hermione.  
  
"Who?" She asked, Hermione shook her head in annoyance.  
  
"The Duchess!" She said just as Professor Sprout materialized from no-where.  
  
"There you are! My dear child. I've looked everywhere! Where have you been?" Professor Sprout said in near shock. Before Hermione could answer, Professor McGonagall stepped in.  
  
"Get them to show you the Mock Turtle."  
  
"Oh, yes, you mustn't miss that. Most people feel it's the high point of the trip." Professor Sprout says as Hermione looks at her funny.  
  
"I thought you were under arrest for boxing the Queen's ears." She says, Professor Sprout shrugs and waves her hand as if to dismiss the idea.  
  
"Just a rumor." Professor Sprout says as Hermione giggles.  
  
"Maybe the Mock Turtle will tell you his story. He's never told me. I don't think he's ever told anyone, come to think of it." Professor McGonagall stops and then gasps. "Uh, oh. Here comes the Queen!"  
  
"Oh, dear!" Hermione says with all the makings of a frightened and silly little girl. Professor Sprout looks at her calmly.  
  
"What's the matter?" She asks Hermione.  
  
"The Queen's coming." Hermione says with renewed fear. Professor Sprout laughs.  
  
"So I heard." She says. Hermione's shocked.  
  
"Well, aren't you frightened?" She asks her robust Herbology professor, who shakes her head and laughs again.  
  
"Not a bit. Not one little bit." Professor says laughing.  
  
"OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!" Pansy's voice screamed from no-where and yet every-where at once. Professor Sprout's face became very white and she had a panicked look in her eyes.  
  
"Well, Changed my mind! Ta ta!" Professor Sprout says as she runs off into the distance promptly disappearing.  
  
"As I was saying. I'm sure you'll find the Mock Turtle very interesting." Professor McGonagall says as she disappears slowly. Hermione then notices that Cho, Fred, George, Sirius, Crabbe, and Goyle were back running around the place in circles and squares and very often running into each other. Pansy, Neville, Dumbledore, and Professor Snape appeared as well.  
  
"Off with his head!" Pansy yelled, followed closely by everyone else.  
  
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!"  
  
"Off with everyone's head!!" Pansy yelled again.  
  
"OFF WITH EVERYONE'S HEAD!!" The entourage of colliding bodies bellowed. Pansy walked up to where Hermione was standing and stopped. Neville, Dumbledore, and Professor Snape stopped as well.  
  
"CEASE!" Pansy screamed to her toy soldiers. Cho, Fred, George, Sirius, Crabbe, and Goyle froze in place as if a freezing charm had been cast. Cho and Fred were and inch from colliding, George was frozen in mid- stride with Crabbe and Goyle's heads under his arms, and Sirius was frozen in mid-air doing a heel kick. Pansy looked around for and moment.  
  
"GO!" She screamed finally and Hermione witnessed a rather nasty head bump between Fred and Cho, George was being chased by angry Crabbe and Goyle, and Sirius landed on his backside. Hermione giggled as Pansy continued. "I've got to bake some tarts. The reason being it's a summer's day." Professor Snape had crossed behind Hermione and was striding in front of Pansy.  
  
"Good, I love tarts." Snape said as he done a pirouette in front of Pansy. She glared at him.  
  
"It's quite doubtful if you'll get any." Pansy says and then focuses her attention back to Hermione. "You!"  
  
"Me. Your Majesty?" Hermione asks innocently enough.  
  
"Why don't you go visit the Mock Turtle? Fetch the Gryphon. He'll lead the way." Pansy says as Neville hovels over to her. Pansy turns her attention to her loving husband.  
  
"Whatz kindz ofz tartzz arez youz goingz toz makez, dearz?" Neville says with his absurd lisp. Hermione wished more than ever that 'the words' would let her convey her own thoughts and actions. Pansy on the other hand was becoming short-tempered with her dear husband.  
  
"Indeed I am!" She yells at him, Neville claps his hands together in excitement.  
  
"Splendidz! Myz favoritez!" He says. Draco hops up beside Pansy and Neville and points to their left.  
  
"Here's the Gryphon. To lead the way." Hermione turns and sees that indeed it was a Gryphon, but not just any Gryphon; the legendary Golden Gryphon. A Golden Gryphon looks exactly like a lion, but has wings that you don't see until one takes off. Hermione walked over to the magnificent creature.  
  
"Light the oven! Time for tarts! Off we go!" Pansy says and all of her entourage leaves and disappears and Hermione's left with the Gryphon.  
  
"Come along. We've got to run." He says spreading his silvery wings and flapping them as if to take off, then he starts running and Hermione has to nearly sprint to keep up.  
  
"I knew we would. I'm getting use to it. In fact, I'm getting used to everything. It all seems quite normal now." Hermione says as they out of the palace walls and through the forest, past the tea table, through the mushroom forest, and past the gigantic trees.  
  
"I've never heard of 'normal.' What's that?" He asks as he bounds over a huge fallen tree trunk. Hermione scrambles over the trunk as fast as she can, trying not to lose the Gryphon.  
  
"I've forgotten." She simply says. They run for a couple of more minutes and then the Gryphon slows down. Hermione noticed that they were close to a beach. There was sand mix in with the grass and dirt and the trees were palm. The Gryphon stops completely and nods his head towards a person sitting down by a campfire.  
  
"Listen! That's he! That's the old duffer himself." He says, Hermione listens and hears that the person is crying. They walked closer and what Hermione thought was a weird colored shirt was actually a tortoise shell. The crying got louder and the person or turtle became bigger, much bigger.  
  
"Such deep-felt sobs! My heart aches for him. What's his great sorrow?" Hermione asks while trying to hold down tears of her own. The Gryphon shrugged.  
  
"Hasn't got one. Just his fancy. Like the Queen. She fancies having everyone beheaded. People are taking to fancies more and more these days. Have you noticed?" He says as they draw yet closer. The 'Mock Turtle' was huge whoever it was, Hermione thought.  
  
"No, but I shall, first chance I get." Hermione says.  
  
"Come on." The Gryphon says and so Hermione and he walks closer to the person with the tortoise shell. The Gryphon reaches over and pats him on the back. "You got a visitor. A young lady, see?" He pauses and the person sobs even louder. "She wants to hear your history. Of course if you don't feel up to it, maybe some other time." The Gryphon says as he motions for Hermione to follow him. Hermione turns her back to him and starts following the Gryphon.  
  
"Wai'! Sh' shall 'ear me 'istory." The 'Mock Turtle' says and then sobs louder. Hermione turns around and recognizes Hagrid under the turtle outfit and the green paint. She smiles on the outside and laughs on the inside. Hagrid motions for them to sit around the fire, Hermione now notices that it's rather dark outside now.  
  
"Sit dow', both o' you, an' please don' utter one wor' until I've finished." Hagrid says and then sobs again. Hermione notes that his beard is soaked with tears and so is the front of his outfit. Her and the Gryphon sit on the opposite side of the fire in front of Hagrid.  
  
"How can he finish if he never starts?" Hermione asks, the Gryphon and Hagrid glare at her.  
  
"SSHH!" They both say.  
  
"Once, 'ong a'o. when everthin' was differen'. I wasn' a Mock Tur'le. I was real." Hagrid says and then starts crying and shrieking, the Gryphon shrieks once as if what Hagrid had said was an outrage. Hermione was more than a little confused.  
  
"Well, I want to thank you for that interesting history." Hermione says trying to stand up. The Gryphon pulls her back down and they both 'Shush!' her again.  
  
"We all wen' ter schoo' when we were lil'. We wen' ter schoo' ever day. We called it day-schoo'." Hagrid says.  
  
"That's not too terribly unusual, you know. I go to school every day too!" Hermione interrupts.  
  
"Do yer s'udy 'exters'?" Hagrid asks with an air of superiority. Hermione nods.  
  
"French and music. They're extra." She says. Hagrid smiles.  
  
"We s'udeed washin'. Do yer?" He asks, Hermione shakes her head no.  
  
"No." She said and Hagrid seemed triumphet.  
  
"Dosen' soun' like much of a schoo' yer've ga' there. 'Ow 'bout teachers? Ma teacher was an 'ol crab. Do yer have an 'ol crab fer a teacher?" Hagrid asked Hermione, who was dying inside because Hagrid had went to Hogwarts until his third year, when he was expelled, and Hermione knew that Dumbledore was one of his teachers then.  
  
"Depends on her moods." Hermione says thinking of Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Odd, 'ell ma, 'ave yer spen' much time unner ther sea?" He asked.  
  
"Not a great deal." Hermione replied.  
  
"Yer've ne'er me' a lobs'er?" Hagrid asks with astonishment. Hermione shakes her head no.  
  
"No, but I like them." Hermione says thinking of a nice lobster dinner. Hagrid nods but for a different reason.  
  
"Yes, the' can be mos' amusin', 'specailly durin' the Lobs'er Quadrille."  
  
"What's the Lobster Quadrille?" Hermione asks at once curious about new knowledge.  
  
"A dance, 'o course. We'll do it 'or yer! Ifin' yer insis'." Hagrid says grinning from ear to ear. Hermione nods her head enthusiastically.  
  
"I insist." Hagrid stands up and so does the Gryphon, Hermione stands as well. Hagrid starts dancing in the most absurd way and Hermione is finally allowed to laugh out right.  
  
"Will you walk a little faster? Said the whiting to a snail..." The Gryphon started singing but Hermione interrupts,  
  
"What's a whiting?"  
  
"A small fish." He says and then continues singing. "There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle. Will you come and join the dance?"  
  
"Will yer, won' yer, will yer, won' yer, will yer join ther dance?" Hagrid sings while doing circles around Hermione. They finish and sit back down around the campfire. "Well now, yer must tell us yer 'istory."  
  
"My history? All of it?" Hermione asks.  
  
"No. Jus' begin a' ther beginin' an go throu' to ther en' then s'op." Hagrid says.  
  
"Well." Hermione says. Hagrid and the Gryphon begin to get impatient.  
  
"We haven' got all day, yer know. Ther trial will probably begin any momen' now." Hagrid says. The Gryphon agrees with him.  
  
"The trial? What trial?" Hermione asks. The Gryphon and Hagrid look at each other and Hagrid nods.  
  
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer's day...and so forth." The Gryphon recited.  
  
"Oh, yes! But why must there be a trial?" Hermione asks, forgetting that this place didn't make sense at all. The Gryphon shook his head.  
  
"To find the culprit, I expect. Besides, it's the rule. Better sing it now, quickly, before we have to go." He said to Hagrid, who nodded his head in compliance.  
  
"All righ'." Hagrid says and then clears his throat to sing. "Soup, beau'iful soup, so rich and green, Who for dain'ies would no' stoup..."  
  
"Hurry up! The trial's about to begin!" Draco yelled as he interrupted Hagrid, bouncing around them. The Golden Gryphon stood up and so did Hagrid, song forgotten.  
  
"Come on!" The Gryphon says to Hermione as he pulls her to her feet using his teeth. Draco stands around impatiently.  
  
"On to the trial! Hurry! The trial's about to begin! Follow me!" Draco and the Golden Gryphon run and hop off to Hermione's right as Hagrid pushes her along.  
  
"Be'er walk a lil' fas'er." Hagrid says as Hermione starts to run in the direction that Draco and the Gryphon disappeared in.  
  
"I enjoyed hearing your history." Hagrid waves at her and yells,  
  
"Yer's was pre'y good, too. Nice an' brief." He says as Hermione runs farther and farther from him. She could still hear him singing in the background. "Soup of ther evenin', beau'iful soup." Hermione continued to run thinking that she must find someone soon and sure enough she passed back through the castle walls and came upon an unusual sight. Hermione did a double take as she spotted Hagrid and the Gryphon yet again, but they didn't seem to know her. They were sitting in a row that contained as well, Oliver Wood, Colin Creevey, and Cho Chang. On either side of them was a card, the two of Hearts, George Weasley and the three of Hearts, Sirius Black. Next to Sirius was a huge elaborate throne and sitting there was Pansy Parkinson, with Neville Longbottom in a much smaller, less impressive throne. Next to Neville stood Professor Snape with an empty chair beside him. Then Professor Sprout sat next to the empty chair and last stood Draco with a sash across his shoulders and he was carrying a huge silver trumpet. Hermione didn't know what was expected of her so she went to the empty chair beside Professor Sprout and sat down. Everyone was too busy chit- chatting to see that she was there. Draco suddenly stepped forward.  
  
"Silence in the court! Silence in the court!" He yells as everyone stops talking and turns to face him. "Ready, Your Majesties." He says and then steps back into his previous spot and to his left appeared another chair. Hermione soon realized that this must be the trial that everyone was talking about. She noticed that Neville was sitting forward slightly in his chair.  
  
"Where's the prisoner?" Pansy bellowed. Professor Snape stepped forward and bowed elegantly, exposing his backside to Hermione, who couldn't just look away.  
  
"Here, Your Majesty." He says and then steps back into place. Pansy scowled at him and then looks around.  
  
"Where's the jury?" Yet again bellowing as if no one was in hearing distance. Hermione wished she could cover her ears. Professor Snape, yet again, takes a step forward and points to where the Gryphon, Hagrid, Oliver, Cho, and Colin were sitting. They in turn start waving happily at Pansy who, Hermione assumes, gave them an evil look because they stopped waving abruptly.  
  
"Heraldz! Wez arez readyz! Thez accuzationz, Heraldz! Readz itz!" Neville yells seemingly at Draco. Draco, oblivious to Neville, starts looking around at everything and everyone except Neville. "HERALDZ!" Neville screams finally getting Draco's attention.  
  
"My name isn't Herald." Draco says indigniantly. Neville plasters his hand across his face and sighs.  
  
"Iz knowz thatz! You'rez thez Heraldz ofz thez Courtz, zzo readz thez accuzationz!" Neville says as Draco steps forward with his trumpet.  
  
"I've got to blow my trumpet first." Draco says brandishing the silver instrument. The 'jury' as Pansy called them started laughing and it took Pansy slicing her finger across her neck to get them to shut up. Draco brings the trumpet to his mouth and blows; an awful sound emits, but the 'jury', Pansy, Neville, and Professor Sprout all clap as if it was a concert. Draco puts the instrument aside and clears his throat.  
  
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day. The Knave of Hearts..." Draco says pointing to Professor Snape, who groans. "He stole those tarts, And took them quite away!" Draco says finishing.  
  
"Callz thez fiztz witnezzz!" Neville yells.  
  
"Call the first witness!" Draco yells imitating him. Hermione suddenly feels the urge to stand up as she opens her mouth.  
  
"Call the first witness!" She yells after as Professor Snape grabs her by the shoulders and makes her sit back down. Pansy's head snaps around and looks at Hermione evilly.  
  
"Who is she?" She yells at no one in particular. Neville sticks his head in Pansy's field of vision.  
  
"Zhez juztz a littlez girlz, myz dearz. Youz knowz." He says patting Pansy's arm to calm her down.  
  
"Well, she's liable to be a headless little girl, so now you know!" She yells as Harry Potter walks up to the empty witness chair. He has on the ridicules top hat he was wearing earlier and plus in one hand he was carrying a piece of toast and in the other he had a teacup. He sat down in the chair and began to shake uncontrollably. The 'juror' members were waving at him and they assumed his shaking hands were waving back at them.  
  
"First witness reporting for duty." He says with a nervous and shaky voice.  
  
"What's that you've got there?" Pansy yells at Harry making him shake even more. Hermione felt sorry for him.  
  
"A cup of bread and butter, and a piece of tea, Your Majesty." He says all the while stumbling over the words. Hermione wanted to cry to see the all famous Boy-Who-Lived scared of a measly Slytherin witch.  
  
"A likely story." Pansy says, almost in a non-ear-splitting tone. Draco hops around Harry a couple of times and then stops.  
  
"State your name, address, occupation and complete history." Draco says with authority. Harry shakes a little more.  
  
"Andz tryz notz toz bez nervouz or I'llz havez youz executedz onz thez zpotz." Neville says kindly, but the 'jury' laughs anyway. "Takez offz yourz hatz." He says as Harry looks at him funny.  
  
"Why? You want to but it? I'm a hatter, you know. Or should or shouldn't." Harry says stuttering again.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Pansy screams while the 'jury' shrinks away from her screams. Harry jumps so bad that he spills his tea on himself.  
  
"I-I-I...I make hats." Harry says. Pansy, for the first time, smiles and then sits back on her throne.  
  
"Aha!" She laughs and the 'jury' starts laughing as well. Pansy soon lost the smile and adopted a pissed look. She turns to look at the almost hysterical 'jury'. "SHUT UP!" She screams. Cho cries out and then starts crying, using Oliver's shoulder. Hagrid cowers behind the Gryphon's back. Colin wasn't in his seat anymore but under it.  
  
"I make them to sell. So I can't take off my hat unless you want to buy it." Harry stutters trying to get Pansy's attention away from the frightened 'jury' members.  
  
"Juzt givez yourz evidenze. Andz rememberz; ifz youz zhake, it'z a zure zign yourz guiltyz!" Neville says to Harry, who starts shaking even more.  
  
"Did you see the prisoner steal my tarts?" Pansy asks. Harry starts looking around.  
  
"Who's the prisoner?" He asks. Draco hops forward and points to Professor Snape.  
  
"He is, the Knave of Hearts." Draco says as Professor Snape bows to Harry. Hermione's eyes became huge. Professor Snape! Bowing to Harry Potter! His worst enemy! Hermione was stunned.  
  
"Well?" Pansy asks impatiently.  
  
"No, Your Majesty, I didn't see him steal your tarts." Harry says mater-of-factly.  
  
"AHA!" Pansy yells laughing, in which the 'jury' starts laughing too. Cho was still crying though, and Colin was out from under his seat and sitting down again. "Why not?" Pansy asks silencing the 'jury' with one very mean look.  
  
"I was having my tea." Harry says as he proceeds to take a bite out of his teacup. Hermione then remembers that indeed they were having tea and decides to defend Harry. She stands up.  
  
"He's absolutely right you know!" She yells out. Pansy snaps her head around to look at Hermione and the rest of the 'court' gasps, as if Hermione had done something wrong. Professor Snape steps forward and drags Hermione back to her seat.  
  
"She's liable to be a headless little girl as someone once remarked!" Pansy yells as everyone except Hermione shrinks away from her. Hermione, emboldened by Pansy, stands back up to defend herself.  
  
"I've never attended a trial before, but..." Hermione starts as Professor Snape puts his arms around her middle like a hug and pulls her back to her seat. Hermione scowls at him but continues. "It seems to me this one isn't going quite as it should. Are you sure you didn't see anyone steal the Queen's tarts?" She asks Harry. Harry seems to take Hermione's boldness as his own and finally becomes angry.  
  
"How could I? I'm always at a tea party!" He yells. Hermione smiles.  
  
"There." She says standing up again, just to be pulled back down by Professor Snape yet again. Neville looks around confused.  
  
"Wherez?" He asks. Hermione shakes her head and stands back up.  
  
"I mean, there, he doesn't know anything..." She says trying to evade Professor Snape's grasp. 'This is fun.' Hermione thinks as he finally grabs the back of her dress and pulls her back by it. "...about tarts."  
  
"She's trying to confuse everything!" Draco bursts out. "Besides, you're supposed to be home doing the dishes, Mary Ann."  
  
"I'm not Mary Ann!" Hermione yells and runs away from Professor Snape. He runs after her as Pansy leans forward.  
  
"KEEP HER SEATED, KNAVE!" She screams as Professor Snape finally catches Hermione. He wrestles her back to her seat and Professor Sprout pats her on the knee.  
  
"Sorry, Your Majesty." Snape says to Pansy, who seems to have lost her train of thought and then found it again.  
  
"An imposter! If you're not Mary Ann, where is she?" Pansy asks loudly. Hermione shrugs.  
  
"Mary Ann, I suppose, is at home doing the dishes. Or getting a haircut. Now then, the Hatter knows nothing about the stolen tarts, so he's quite innocent and free to go." Hermione says as everyone gasps. Harry stands up relieved.  
  
"Thank you." He says rushing over to Hermione, who stands up to receive him. Snape grabs her shoulders again, but waits to pull her back until after Harry giver her a hug.  
  
"Give my regards to the March Hare and the Dormouse, won't you?" She says as Harry starts away, he abruptly stops and turns with a stormy look on his face.  
  
"What about Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie?" He asks darkly.  
  
"Them, too." She says as Snape pulls her back to her seat. Harry turns to leave as Pansy speaks up.  
  
"Just remove his hat and head outside!" She yells as Harry gets a crazed look across his face.  
  
"If you can catch me, which you can't!" He yells running off and promptly disappearing. Neville sits forward and shakes his head sadly then perks up.  
  
"Callz thez nextz witnezz!" He yells as Draco hops foreword.  
  
"Call the next witness!" He yells as Hermione thinks about making Pansy even more mad and Professor Snape to come chasing her again. She jumps up as well.  
  
"Call the next witness!" She yells as she skips out of Professor Snape's reach, once, twice and then he catches her a replaces her in her seat. Hermione just smiles. All the while a loud banging noise was being emitted from somewhere. Just then Professor Dumbledore comes running and deposits himself in the witness chair, clanging his pots together. Hermione sits forward. "State your..."  
  
"State your name, address..." Draco interrupts Hermione to be promptly interrupted by Dumbledore.  
  
"Wow, wow, wow!" He yells brandishing his pots together at each word. Draco steps forward and tries again.  
  
"State your name, address..."  
  
"Save your breath." Dumbledore interrupts raising one of his pots threateningly at Draco. Draco shrinks away from the pot and turns to Pansy and Neville.  
  
"Uh, I think perhaps one of Your Majesties should question this witness." He states hopping back away from Dumbledore and his deadly pots. "Don't give a hoot who questions me, won't do any good." Dumbledore says banging his pots together again. Hermione covers her ears to preserve her hearing. Neville leans forward intently.  
  
"Nowz, zee herez, myz goodz manz..."  
  
"Not me. FIGS!!" Dumbledore yells while the 'jury' laughs. Pansy gives them another death glare. Draco steps forward hastily.  
  
"What were the tarts made of? You're a cook you should know." He asks. Dumbledore gives a very hysterical laugh as be bangs his pots together again,  
  
"Mostly pepper!" He yells. Neville leans around Pansy to look at the 'jury.'  
  
"Memberz ofz thez juryz, Conzider yourz verdictz." He says as a panicked Draco hops forward.  
  
"Not yet! Not yet! Not nearly yet!" Draco says as Hermione notices a tray sitting beside him. On the tray are what look like tarts.  
  
"If the tarts are stolen, what are they doing there?" Hermione asks confused as Professor Snape drags her back to her seat because she had stood up. Neville looks at Hermione meanly.  
  
"Ztop confuzing thez juryz!" He yells as the 'jury' starts laughing again. Pansy peeks around Neville to give Hermione a bone-chilling gaze.  
  
"We'd get a lot more done around here if we chopped off everyone's head. And that's a fact." She says as Oliver, Cho, Colin, Hagrid, and the Gryphon all grab their necks. Hermione scowls at them and then turns to look into Professor Snape's steely eyes.  
  
"Did you steal the tarts?" She asks him sweetly. Snape hangs his head down in shame.  
  
"I must have. The poem says so. 'The Knave of Hearts, he stole the tarts...'" Hermione's eyes widen, 'Well that's retarded logic.' She thinks.  
  
"Well, just because the poem says you stole the tarts doesn't necessarily make it true. I've heard poems that are not quite the truth." Everyone gasps as Professor Snape looks at her confused.  
  
"Name one!" Pansy yells as if what Hermione had said was absurd. Hermione shrugs and stands up, dancing around to keep Snape from snatching her back down.  
  
"All right." Hermione says as she goes over to stand beside Hagrid and the rest of the 'jurors.' "Twinkle, twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at!" Hermione sings and then pauses. "Now, then, we all know that bats don't twinkle."  
  
"They squeak." Draco informs everyone. Hermione laughs.  
  
"Yes, but they don't twinkle." She says as she crosses close to Snape, who grabs her upper arm and puts her back in her seat. Pansy leans forward and glares at Hermione.  
  
"I hate that poem, especially when it's sung." She states loudly. Hermione rolls her eyes and gives an exasperated sigh.  
  
"The point is: The poor Knave didn't steal the tarts just because the poem says so." Hermione says pointing to a sad looking Professor Snape.  
  
"He doesn't twinkle either." Dumbledore says as he stands up without his pots but with a huge peppershaker. "Needs more pepper!" He yells as he starts to shake the shaker. "Everybody needs more pepper!" He yells as he runs around to all of the people sprinkling pepper on them. He then runs out among loud uncontrollable sneezing. After a few moments and a few thousand sneezes Draco hops forward.  
  
"One more witness!" Draco announces as Neville pokes his head out.  
  
"Callz thez lazt witnezz!" Neville yells, Hermione's too busy sneezing to imitate.  
  
"I call...Alice!" Draco anounces as a very happy Hermione stands up, without having to avoid Snape's grabs.  
  
"Here!" She says happily.  
  
"Take the stand!" Draco says as Hermione walks over to the witness chair and sits. Professor Snape takes the seat Hermione has just left.  
  
"All right!" Hermione says. Draco hops up beside her.  
  
"State your name, address, occupation and complete history." He says, Hermione frowns.  
  
"I think my name is Alice." Hermione says all the while thinking, 'No my name is Hermione Granger. I live at 1314 Cauldron Street, London, England. I'm a student at Hogwarts and my history is way too boring to say.'  
  
"AHA!" Pansy says laughing at Hermione yet again. Everyone started laughing as well. Hermione was fast losing her temper.  
  
"And I use to live in a lovely white house. At least I did when I got up this morning. And I have a dear little kitty called Dinah."  
  
"SHE'S A SERPENT!!!" Colin Creevey screams, scaring the wits out of Hermione. Neville practically leaps up out of his chair.  
  
"Makez az notez ofz zthatz!" He says pointing his finger. Everyone except Hermione and Colin laugh.  
  
"I suppose you might say my occupation is day-dreaming. I do a great deal of it. And I think it would be great fun if we'd pass those tarts about and perhaps someone could make some tea." Hermione says as Draco hops in front of her and points at her.  
  
"She wants to destroy the evidence." He says. Yet again Neville pokes his little head out and looks at the 'jury.'  
  
"Conzider yourz verdictz." He announces as Cho, Oliver, and Hagrid bunch their heads together, while Colin and the Gryphon seem to having a nap.  
  
"I'm awfully hungry." Hermione says as she notices that indeed her stomach could be growling with urgency to fee it. Draco on the other hand was now hoping up and down quite vigorously now.  
  
"She's guilty! She's guilty! She practically admitted it!" Draco informs everyone.  
  
"But I'm not the one on trial. The Knave of Hearts is." Hermione says pointing at the sad-faced Professor Snape. "Do let's have a tart. I'm sure they're delicious." Pansy pokes her head out and looks at Hermione as if she had just insulted her.  
  
"Of course they are!" Pansy yells.  
  
"Are they cherry?" Hermione asks as a wide grin crosses Pansy's face.  
  
"Yes! Give the girl a tart!" She yells at Draco.  
  
"But, Your Majesty..." He whines.  
  
"Give her a tart or heads will roll! And give me one too!" Pansy yells as Draco, sulkily, walks over and picks up the tray with the tarts on them. He hands one to Hermione.  
  
"Here. Mary Ann. Try one." Draco says sadly.  
  
"Thank you little Dormouse." Hermione says, finally tired of being called Mary Ann. 'And Alice.' She thinks.  
  
"I'm not the Dormouse!" Draco says indignantly as he hands Pansy a tart. Pansy puts it beside her on the throne's arm and Siruis, whose beside her, tries to take it. Pansy smacks his hand and puts the tart on the arm of her throne between her and Neville.  
  
"And I'm not Mary Ann." Hermione says finally clearing that up. Draco replaces the tart tray and shakes his head.  
  
"Nonsense." He mutters. Hermione claps her hands together and smiles.  
  
"Oh, I agree, it's sheer nonsense. Wondrous nonsense!" She says as she takes a bite of the tart.  
  
"Don't turn your nose up at nonsense, don't!" Pansy yells, getting the 'jury's' attention.  
  
"We won't, we won't, we won't, we won't, we won't, we won't, we won't!" Cho, Oliver, Hagrid, the Gryphon and Colin chant over and over again until Pansy gives them the evil eye.  
  
"If you turn your nose up at nonsense here..." Hermione says in a dreamy voice.  
  
"You'll miss all the fun..." Pansy joins in.  
  
"The fu will be done!" Hermione says as Pansy points.  
  
"Before you get going, the race will be won!" Pansy yells as Hermione nods her head in agreement.  
  
"And nobody cares for a gloomy, doomy grouch!" Hermione says as George nocks shoulders with the Gryphon.  
  
"Ouch!" The Gryphon says banging shoulders with Hagrid.  
  
"Ouch!" Hagrid says knocking Colin, Cho, and Oliver out of their chairs.  
  
"OUCH!" The three fallen yell together. Pansy rolls her eyes as they return to their seats.  
  
"It's the new rule: Never turn your nose up at nonsense! Not till bats twinkle. The Knave is free and that's the rule, too!" Pansy declares for all to hear. Everyone starts cheering loudly and Professor Snape looks relieved.  
  
"How nice! I've been guilty every other time you know." Snape says to Hermione.  
  
"You've been on trial before?" She asks curiously. Professor Snape shakes his head yes.  
  
"Only when she makes tarts, which is every afternoon. 'The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer day.'" Snape recites.  
  
"But in winter..." Hermione asks with Snape shaking his head no.  
  
"Winter? It's always summer here." He says. Hermione looks at Hagrid and Cho and Oliver.  
  
"It is?" She asks.  
  
"Yes, that's the rule!" Everyone chorused together. Hermione stands up and starts walking around to everyone, but as soon as she gets to them they disappear. She shrugs her shoulders and sits on the ground beside a nice little brook, as the chairs have all disappeared as well.  
  
"I should have guessed. Such a wondrous place. I'll not soon forget it. Everyone will say I was day-dreaming. Except Dinah. She'll believe me. I'll tell her how I followed a little White Rabbit..." Yeah his name is Draco Malfoy and I will ridicule his derisively when I get back! "...who calls me Mary Ann, and then swam with a Mouse..." Colin Creevey, at least he didn't have his camera with him! "...in a pool of tears. My own! Does sound a bit like a daydream. Never mind. Dinah will love it. The Hatter and the March Hare..." Oh, wait till I see Harry and Ron again. Boy are they gonna get it! "...and that tea party that just goes on and on. Oh, yes, and the Duchess' baby..." Professor Sprout hollering out 'Pig!' all the time! What a laugh! "...who turned into a pig – that'll make Dinah laugh. Or at least smile. Like the Cheshire Cat." Professor McGonagall, quite mad to go around like that, as a cat and a human at once! "So much to remember. The Gryphon and the Mock Turtle..." Dear old Hagrid, along with a Golden Gryphon! "...and that unusual croquet game. Oh, and the trial, which I think I won, but you can't be too certain about anything in...in..." Hermione paused and scratched her head in confusion. "...funny, I don't even remember what this place is called." Hermione looks around and sees that there are trees and plants and a small brook beside her. 'Where am I?' She asks herself.  
  
"Wonderland..." Several voices say all at once. Hermione looks around but sees no one. 'What's going on?'  
  
"Of course. Wonderland." Hermione says feeling rather tired. She smiles lazily and looks around again. "Nice..." She says as she slowly closes her eyes.  
  
"Isn't it incredible? We actually found a girl named Alice! Not necessary, of course, but a little added touch." I'm not Alice! I'm Hermione! Geeze, Fred Weasley, you know who I am...  
  
"She seemed to enjoy everything too." Of course I enjoyed myself, I'm not stupid, George Weasley.  
  
"So cooperative." Who is? Neville?  
  
"I did enjoy everything. Absolutely everything. I hope everyone gets a turn?" Who's that? Sounds like me. But it can't be...can it?  
  
"Possibly." It can be me, Fred? Why?  
  
"Wonderland won't be too difficult for them to find, will it?" There I am again...sounds like a recording...  
  
"Like finding your nose in the dark." I can do that! I can...see...see, Fred!  
  
"Easy!" Yep that's right, easy as pie, Hermione Granger, me...  
  
"That's it." Who's there? Why are you whispering?  
  
"Just like a daydream, an unusual daydream..." 'Daydream? Who's daydreaming?'  
  
"Hermione." 'What?'  
  
"Hermione, wake up!" 'I am awake!'  
  
"Hermione!" Hermione sits up and opens her eyes.  
  
"Where am I?" She asks the insistent voice that was badgering her to wake up.  
  
"Where else, sleepy-head. The library." Hermione looks around and sees shelf after shelf of books. She looks up at the person talking to her and sees her bast friend Harry Potter.  
  
"Why am I here?" She asks, uncertain if she is awake or still dreaming. Harry rolls his eyes at her.  
  
"Well, after lunch you told me and Ron you were going to the library to get a good book and read. You must have fallen asleep." Harry said sitting in the seat beside her. 'If I fell asleep then none of that was real?' Hermione thought. 'You mean I haven't made a huge mistake, yet.'  
  
"Harry, what did we discuss at lunch?" Hermione asked him, wanting to know if any time at all had passed. Harry looked at her as of she was daft.  
  
"Well..." He began and then looked around to make sure no one was around to over hear. "Well, you were thinking about taking Ron's offer, and I..." He paused as he turned a slight shade of pink. "I... asked you not to." He says looking in his lap. 'That's right, Ron had asked me to be his girlfriend... and since I had not had any word from Harry I was going to say yes... It's all coming back. Ron had wanted an answer by the end of lunch and I was still not convinced that what Harry had said before lunch was his way of saying that he cared or if it was just to keep us all friends, like our first through fifth years. I wasn't sure what I was going to do so I told them that I was going to read when in fact I was trying to make a decision. But what did that strange dream have to do with this decision?' Hermione thought.  
  
"Harry, I have something I have to tell..." Hermione started as she saw something quite unbelievable pop up behind Harry's head. It was a sign, hanging in mid-air that read 'He's The One' with an arrow pointing to Harry. Hermione looked around quickly but was pulled back as Harry took her hands. She looked back into his green eyes and knew.  
  
"Harry, I was actually thinking about taking Ron's offer because I... Damn this is so hard. Ron and I have talked a lot and we came to an agreement. I would give him a shot if the guy I really liked didn't say anything. Well it seems that he has and so I can't, in my right mind, take Ron's offer and he knows this now." Harry looked at her confused.  
  
"So you aren't going to be Ron's girlfriend, because the guy you really like said not to?" He asked her. Hermione smiled as she realized that Harry thought she was talking about another guy. She leaned over to Harry and gave him a small shy kiss and then leaned back. The shock on his face was pretty cute and then he pulled her to him for a more in-depth kiss. Laughing into his mouth Hermione pushed him away and they stood up. Harry put his arm around her and they headed off to tell Ron, who was secretly chasing after Cho Chang at the moment, the good news. A tall figure stood in the shadows and watched as the new couple raced off. He smiled to himself as his eyes twinkled with delight. He stepped out of the shadows and walked over to the table Hermione had fallen asleep on. Lying open on the table was a book. As Professor Dumbledore walked out of the library, very pleased with himself, the book closed on its own. The title shown bright and clear in the summer afternoon sunlight: Alice In Wonderland. 


End file.
